It has been awhile...but I'm back

I have not fallen off the face of the earth but have from the blogging world. Truth be told, I have been reading blogs almost nightly, but not commenting, which I know is not really fair. Each night I would say tonight is the night I am going to start blogging and commenting again but I never did it..Well, I owe it to myself to get back in this..I have worked too hard, come too far. thank goodness for the blogs though, because while I was not up to blogging myself, reading the blogs kept me a bit connected and helped me not to fall off completely..so thank you so much..every night it was like a little comfort for me..

without going into the long winded story, have just been dealing with a lot right now..My mom had not been doing well and everything kind of hit a head..I hope and think though that she is on the road to recovery, thank God. I have been very down about the situation and trying to keep it all together but not always very successful...plus, dealing with family woes and differences of how people take care/deal with things is hard...Bottom line, as everyone knows, life is very hard..things are never easy and it is a constant test of faith and perserverance...during this time though I have gone a bit into a cocoon because I have not really felt like talking about everything when it consumes my thoughts and emotions so much of the time..

In this last month as I have struggled emotionally, it has definitely affected my progress. I feel like since September I have just been kind of out of it with regards to this journey. for a few weeks in september i think I got to a point of being a bit comfortable or cocky in that I had lost a great deal of weight, people had noticed, clothes didn't fit anymore, etc. I found myself just kind of going through life not really thinking about what I was doing/eating and how much further I have to go on my journey.

Then, once things started happening in my personal life, I just kind of fell off the wagon. now, thank God that this falling off the wagon was nothing like I would have fallen off the wagon in the past..I think it is a combination of the band (thank goodness) and a bit more of a personal recognition of how I deal with my emotions. I had some some big falls but overall, I held it together ok. I continued to step on the scale, which was important..i teetered between three or four pounds for about 3 weeks but thank Goodness I really didn't reverse what I had done. I am still so frustrated that I feel like i have "wasted" almost 2 months in this journey and look back and think "argh" but i have to give myself a bit of a break and recognize that in past attempts at weight loss, this would be a time where I would literally stop, give up and reverse everything I have done.

despite some of my falls, I have managed to lose some weight since september..I hover around 75 down, give or take...i do know this is an accomplishment and I am not just whining...one of the things about me and this journey is when I do something, i get very determined and competitive with myself, and as a result hard on myself when things don't go as I wish they have. I want to be all in this and continue. plus, it was about 4 not so good weeks and 2 very disciplined weeks.. When i actually look back over the last two months i know that I really did hold things together pretty well given what I was dealing with but I am putting myself back in the game..

bottom line, I am getting a bit of my fight back, which feels good...I have thought about/wanted to do this post for about two weeks now but it is always hard to take the first step/restart...but, I did it...I am making public that I am refocusing and remembering why I am doing this and what I have accomplished...the effects of losing weight so far have been so amazing...feeling better, more comfortable, less winded, etc. and I want to continue..I deserve this and after being a good friend, sister, daughter, worker for so long, i need to continue to really take care of myself and not put me last...

So, today I re-pledge myself to this journey and doing this once and for all...and that includes being in touch on blogging and being accountable..there are many things I still have to get to to be successful (e.g. going to the gym.i have yet to do) but I know that I have just taken a step forward for myself and those two will come...

thanks to everyone who has been blogging and allowing me to read your posts and feel connected...and, a special thanks to Angela..Angela, your comment really helped me get over the finish line of coming back into blogging..it was just what I needed, so thanks so much...

I know many people are having a bit of a tough time right now for various reasons, but have faith that you will find your way back and that this is a journey...

Tomorrow is a new day

Work has kicked my butt this week, working most nights till midnight and am so tired but need to post..need accountability and an opportunity to vent and remember that this too shall pass...i want to do bullet points but don't know how to format for this (despite being able to run excel models, technology is not my forte)....i will thus do *s

*I have done well in my job and am viewed positively I think, but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed, unprepared, not smart enough, a phony, etc. this is usually when I don't sleep well and it all becomes circular. Work has been such a big part of my life and I am proud of what I have accomplished but still have yet to figure out if it is my true passion (or what would be if it isn't) or what I am destined to do..Not sure if I stay because I am used to it/don't like change and for the money...in addition, not sure if giving up so much of my personal life for work is worth it..

*When I am exhausted and don't have time to get lunch/dinner, it is not a good idea to have two magnolia cupcakes...having motivation and a great day of eating on Monday only to then eat horribly tues and wed is not ideal...consistency is very important and something I need to work on. I need to push through to my next goal...i have been sitting at this weight, not really focusing or moving the scale..i can do it though.

*I am loving reading blogs and am reminded of the amazement of this journey/process..i haven't had a chance to comment on anyone, which is unacceptable but hope to do that this weekend or Monday..the blogs are a comfort for me as I read but I must provide others the comfort/support as well

*I have got to get some new suits for work..I have been getting by generally for work with black pants/skirts and old tops that just fit better...I am not dressing business formal as I should be but women can fudge it given we don't wear ties. But, when I have to wear suits for meetings, as in today, I am in a jam. today, my parents were literally falling off me at different points..a good thing I know..just need to find some suits to get me through..

*did have an NSV yesterday as a banker I haven't seen for almost 6 months said I looked great (and it was when I looked like I had been run over by a truck, but I forgot he hadn't seen me recently)..nice to know people can see the difference

*Thanks for the thought about my Mom...she is doing better but still is dealing with some health stuff, but working on it...i just love her so much and wish I could fix everything for her..

*Am supposed to fly home tomorrow night for the weekend and to host a wedding shower...haven't packed and am still not sure if my flight will work, in terms of taking Friday off work...hoping it will work out..

*i can't wait for beverly hills housewives to start...i am obsessed with all Housewives shows except Atlanta

I am about to fall asleep and this post is so dis jointed and not making a ton of sense...tempted not to publish, but oh well...the sun will come out tomorrow!