My Word for 2011....Aware

I am very excited about my word for 2011...AWARE (and awareness)...

a·ware (-wâr)
adj.
1. Having knowledge or cognizance: aware of the difference between the two versions; became aware of faint sound.
2. Archaic Vigilant; watchful.

Synonyms: aware, cognizant, conscious, sensible, awake, alert, watchful, vigilant

I think this is such a great word for me and something to focus on in the new year. Plus, it focuses on so many aspects of my life, not just the weight loss. Being aware of how I feel, how I am acting, what I am doing, etc. I would like to become more in tune with my feelings and aware of when I am being my best self, when I am not, not forgetting to put myself first, eating slower and mindfully, etc. Being aware of my goals is another thing...when I am aware and cognizant (love the synonyms!!) of my goals, it will help form my habits, mental, physical and emotional...I think this is such a good thing for me to focus on because this journey is so much more than what I eat, but what made me overweight in the first place and managing my emotional health while hopefully conquering this beast once and for all..

I have loved reading the word posts thus far and look forward to reading more. All of these words are so applicable in so many ways...

Cheers to being AWARE in 2011!!

Canyon Ranch Day 2..tired and sore, but feeling good

It is 6:15pm here and I am in my robe, lying on my bed, trying to make myself stay awake before my "late" 7pm dinner (haha...i think anything before 9 in the city is early!!). Today has been a very tiring but great day.

I slept well last night, falling asleep around 11pm, which was good...woke up at 3am with a bit of a headache, but fell back asleep. I'm thinking the headache is from dehydration, which I know will not be solved with one good water day, but hope it will improve as I have a bit of a headache now too, but took some liquid Tylenol. Anyway, woke up at 8am by alarm..was at Breakfast by 8:15ish...I got some yogurt and kashi cereal at the bar (cereal/yogurt bar in the AM, salad bar at lunch/dinner..they are always there) and ordered a smoothie, coffee and some OJ. I also ordered a turkey sausage patty so would look like I'm eating. told my friend that I am an eat a few hours after I wake up type of gal. I managed about 3 bites of yogurt with a bit of kashi (huge victory) and had about 1/2 a cup of OJ and a few sips of coffee..and the tiniest bite of the sausage. that was all I could do but glad I had no issues. though, the breakfast looks amazing, so thinking one day i might need to do a later one to enjoy it.

Hit my first class at 9am, yoga foundations. Was a good class as I have not done a ton of yoga. Was very introductory and basic, which I liked, and I enjoyed it. I found it calming and a good way to wake up my muscles. I then went to body conditioning, which used bands and dumb bells. It also involved a lot of squats and lunges. Given my back, I modified some of the exercises but the instructor was very helpful in that..I am already feeling the burn in my arms and shoulders and I know I will tomorrow. I then went to my third class at 11am, Cardio Tennis. I had to pay extra for this but love tennis and wanted to try it. It ended up being a lot more drills than cardio given there were only 3 in the class..I definitely find that my weight still limits me on the court, both in terms of getting to the ball and in general how I hit (not moving my body as much)...I love tennis and look forward to improving on this as I continue to lose weight (i'm so jealous of Camille and all her tennis!). My back started getting angry at me towards the end and I was in a good bit of pain. Ended up stretching for a good 30 mins after and ended up in much better shape..

Went to lunch around 12:15, which was nice, as we were able to have a leisurely lunch..plus, I was starving by this point. Ordered the chicken quesadilla with an avocado salsa..cut half of the tortilla off each piece and loaded up with avocado and extra salsa. I also ordered a side of avocado to add in some more protein and make it more moist. happy to say that given I had a lot of time and did good bandster eating, had no issues. it was truly delish. At 2pm..ZUmba,..Finally as I have been dying to try...Vickie, I LOVED it!!! Given I love to dance and shake my hips/booty, it was great!! And such a great workout. I can honestly say it is probably the first class that I never looked at the clock...love love love and can't wait to do tomorrow at 10am and hopefully when I am back in the city. After Zumba, just relaxed for about an hour and then went to Restorative Yoga, which is really more about relaxation with yoga techniques than exercise...Great way to wind down after an active day. After that, showered and just got a facial, which was divine..While I have all the products, I am not always great about tending to my skin so really enjoyed that.

Am now just chilling until dinner, which will likely be followed by sleep by 10pm..haha...wild night! They are having some activities tomorrow but I would honestly just rather get some rest and get ready for another day tomorrow! Am so happy here and feel so motivated...thank you for all the comments and support..I just wish everyone could be here. Below is a pic of the start of the day in my workout clothes pre sweating (bathroom had a full length mirror!) and then Liz and I after Zumba..showing the sweat and then in a zumba pose!

Happy, Happy Early New Year to everyone and I wish health, peace, happiness, love (and yes, weight loss/maintenance) for you in 2011

Canyon Ranch Day #1..Amazing

So it is 9:30 and I am winding down the day in bed..ahhhhh....today has been awesome. Liz and I took the 7:15 am train out of the city and arrived in Albany around 9:45. Someone from the Ranch (I feel so silly saying "the Ranch" yet love it at the same time!) came and drove us, an ~45 min ride. We got in around noon and were lucky to be able to check into our room early. We also took a tour, despite the fact that Liz has been here so many times (she even got a hat to commemorate here 5th trip here..lucky duck!), she is great about doing all the new things.

Our nice driver

I have been very good about drinking water!! not my strongest suit so glad to focus on this!

We started the day with lunch..I had salmon cakes and a side of cottage cheese...well, the band is definitely back! I love on the menu that the food looks not only delicious, but has all the calorie, fat, carb, protein and fiber info...the salmon cakes were delicious..I def was only able to eat one of them and I was only half way done when Liz finished her meal (Liz does not know about band..love her, but per previous posts, not ready to tell friends..only 3 know)...they were going down fine though. I decided to have a few bites of cottage cheese..boom, PB. not fun but made it through. the food is quite tasty though.

At 2pm, I went to a "Gotta Dance" class..it was fun..we did some samba, African and rock and roll dance. I think it was a good way to start things out..I broke a sweat but was not dripping (which I like). I then went to Core Power Hour in the pool...i was one of the only younger people there, but let me tell you it is HARD! great use of my core and definitely felt the burn. it was a mix of cardio and strength. at 4pm, I decided to give a lecture a try, mindful eating was the theme (I didn't want to leave and not try some lecture). I wouldn't say it was anything ground breaking, but it also put some of the good and healthy thoughts related to food at the forefront..also helped me to choose my word for the year, which I will post about tomorrow. Finished the day with a stretch and relax class, which was nice and good for me. Not sure if I have posted about it, but I have a bad back..a herniated disc, that acts up here and there.I have done physical therapy and had 3 epidurals..As I lose weight I know it will only help...my back is def very tight and a bit sore tonight but I"m hoping that I heal a bit overnight.

Dinner was amazing..had shrimp scampi that came with pasta marinara..I ate all the shrimp and about 1/2 to 3/4 of the pasta. had a side of mashed butternut squash..AMAZING..i might dream about it. Given my new found sweet tooth, I have decided to only allow myself dessert at night..tonight I had vanilla ice cream (low fat) with fat free chocolate sauce and two chocolate chip cookies...I think all of that was about 400 calories and DELISH.amazing...ahh..so yummy. I am amazed at the quality and choices on the menu. it is also nice because the dining experience makes you feel like you are on vacation. ending the day with a massage was great and relaxing..


Ahhh...

Looking forward to tomorrow with some Yoga, Zumba (first time..yay!!), Cardio Tennis and more!!! Also am going to confirm my word selection and my goals for 2011....hope everyone is doing well and thanks for the support and comments...I'm so happy I did this...I will try to read as much as possible over next few days but might try to post so i capture my feelings/emotions from the day and then catch up on blogs (promise I will and comment!) on the train ride back..want to soak in all my time here.

Canyon Ranch for New Years 2011...a kick start to the new year and a dream come true

So, I am sitting here in my apartment after making it back to the city tonight (took off on time with no issues, which was great...) While I was very sad to leave home and say goodbye to my parents, Gma and brother Brian, I am very excited about the next few days, as tomorrow morning I am taking the train to Albany, NY and then going to...CANYON RANCH!!!


I am going to the Ranch in the Berkshires in Massachusetts....a full service destination health spa where you can do whatever you want..it is good for just relaxing, kick starting weight loss, getting zen (haha), etc...they serve healthy food (that is supposedly amazing and has all the calorie content), have a bunch of fitness classes and a full spa

This is a BIG step for me because it is a bit of a dream come true and I am really treating myself. A few weeks ago I was thinking about New Years Eve and how I didn't want to do the whole party thing... I was just not in the mood this year (especially being single among couples). I started to look into a trip for my Mom, Gma and me, but it was not going to work and was going to be a bit much money wise for me to pay for all three...when I sat back and thought about where I have been in 2010 and where I want to go in 2011 as well as what I would really like to do, if I was being selfish, I immediately thought about Canyon Ranch...I have been closed to booking a weekend there at least 3 times and I have always been dying to go. After overcoming guilt for splurging, and my mother convincing me I should do it and I deserved it, I booked three nights at Canyon Ranch. I am fortunate that my friend Liz (who is luckily enough to go almost yearly) was up for coming last minute, so we are going together!! I could not be more excited...

I have done great eating wise with the band but it is no secret that my cardio has yet to really kick in...so I am excited to really do some classes (finally, zumba!), work out, get some spa services and just relax from my hectic life and reflect a bit as I approach the new year and hopefully a better (and slimmer!) me! My days will be filled with likely one or two classes, hopefully some stretching, a spa service and three meals. I am planning on rising early (7am train tomorrow) and going to bed early...it will be a new years without alcohol but I'm looking forward to it!! and hopefully my bad back will hold out and my body won't go into shock from exercise!!

I feel so blessed and lucky that I am able to go (though guilty I can't afford to take my Mom, but I promise her one day!) and it really is a dream come true (i have wanted to go for seven years..literally)...I am also looking forward to using this time for reflection as I approach the new year. I am continue to add to my list of goals for 2011 that I have already started working on and keep thinking of my word!

Christmas catchup

I have really been out of it blog wise lately..I have been reading here and there, but not doing a good job of commenting, or posting for that matter...

On the Christmas front, had a great holiday. seems like such a whirlwind and crazy that I have been home in Atlanta for a week now (leaving tomorrow)...the days leading up to Christmas were so busy and I feel like we were non stop. Good news is that my entire family was together for Christmas Eve and Christmas..not that we didn't have our ups/downs leading up and at different times, but in the end, the love and unity binded us together and we had a great time...My Gma was also down with us from NY (we flew down together) so that was extra great...we all adore her and dote on her. We continued our tradition of a big and nice Christmas Eve dinner at a steak house in town..we all contributed to the dinner, which was nice. Before the dinner we went to the Stt Regis for drinks, which was great...given things had been a bit tense, i had two glasses of champagne at the hotel..then another one at dinner..then red wine...um, I got a bit overserviced at dinner..apparently i was funny (I remember most of it, some a bit blur).. I def had a great time though and apparently was not too annoying, so that was good. On Christmas day, we did Mass, brunch and then did presents and a great dinner at home...have to say a bit relieved things are over but really enjoyed it..

so, on the band/eating front..over the last several weeks i have been SO tight and wondering if I needed a bit of an unfill..nothing in the AM but coffee and i was worried I was PB'ing too much. Come home, and the band is wide open! i mean, I still approach eating as if I am tight, but I have not eaten this much or without having issues..i mean I really have been ravenous and eating more than normal...ham, broccoli, salad, etc...to the point that I was worried something had slipped (wondering if it has and thinking i should get a check up)..but, this AM as I was waiting for my Mom at her Doctor's appt drinking starbucks, all of a sudden I slimed/threw up coffee...so fickle. Honestly, given how ravenous I have been and NOT making the best of choices (um, the ice cream has got to go), I hope to get a bit more tight...

I leave tomorrow to head back to the city before my big new years plans, which I am goign to post about tomorrow because it is that exciting it deserves its own post....for now, a few pics from Christmas..on the plane ride back tomorrow, going to think about some 2011 goals and I like this "word" plan...Hope everyone is recovering from the holidays and doing well.


The whole gang at the hotel before dinner


My biggest fans and the best parents a girl could ask for



BFFs...enough said..


Cheers!! I was not hurting for sure!


My wonderful, supportive and handsome bros!! (note, all gifts are usually the same, sometimes in contrasting colors..haha)

Self Sabotage needs to stop

This week has not been good eating wise...I think I am very hormonal right now, and while not a great excuse, it has definitely affected my mood, appetite and craving for sweets. I have just felt really down the last few days. besides being emotional, I am getting really concerned about my job given impending lay offs, am feeling upset/worried about my family being together for Christmas and how much I want everyone to be together, accidently letiting a friends secret slip, etc...to say I have been out of control eating this week is probably an understatement, but thank goodness for my band to help me put a stop to some of it. only because this is my accountability journal, I will say that I bought a roll of cookie dough...and over four days, i baked a few cookies each night and finished the roll. i want to kick myself as I type..how backward and old habits is that..embarrassing...how could I let myself lose 87 pounds only to try to sabotage myself. this is on top of pizza for dinner, nachos for lunch and many cookies and candy during the day at work for the holidays...these past two days are not ME because the new ME is putting herself first, thinking before eating and eating for hunger, not the mind or feelings....I have no where to go but up (in terms of improving, not gaining weight!) and I can and will do it. I will start now, not in a week like the old days...back to the focus...not a fun post, but needed and now I have been honest, despite some shame/embarrasment...I can do it.

Some victories/some things to work on...

I have been thinking about how I need to blog more, so thought I would evaluate where I am thus far...As I think about everything, there are some things I have done very well and other things I need to work on/do...I think it will be good to post about some of these (and some I have posted about before) to then look back and see if I improved on my "to dos."

In terms of some of the positives, first and foremost I have really worked on my emotional eating. Yes, the band has helped tremendously, but I have also found that I am now better recognizing my tendencies...while I still often have the urge to turn to food when sad, mad, bored, etc. I have made great strides in recognizing I am not really hungry and have found alternative ways to deal with them. I have definitely not conquered this, and not sure I ever will, but made huge strides. I have also done a good job of limiting my portion sizes; it took me awhile but I have definitely done this and become satisfied with less. I have also not given up despite some slip ups and plateaus..I still have a long road ahead, but I have kept motivated and positive. Also, for the most part. I also generally (not always) try to make decently healthy choices while not ever depriving myself of anything. These are what come to mind the most

In terms of to dos, EXERCISE, EXERCISE, EXERCISE...I could come up with many "valid" excuses as to why I have not done it, but I will not even dare. I know how important it is, on this journey and for my overall health, but I have not done it yet, not even a little. Pilates (which i would actually count as a positive) I do and love, but I need some cardio to get my blood pumping and to get my heart healthier. I know I will do it and will start to love it...soon I hope. The other big things for me are eating slower and smaller bites. I do a pretty good job when I am out to dinner or in social situations (because I think I'm nervous about having a problem in addition to engaging with others), but at work and at home I have a lot to improve upon, particularly at work, where I often eat 3 meals a day. I think it has to do with focus and time. I have to say it is hard!!I have made great strides but more to come! I also need to not drink while eating (again, out to dinner with glasses of wine never really an issue, just at work or home!). In addition, must focus more on protein, which I know will help me in this process. Also need to balance my newfound sweet tooth. I will never deprive myself but it seems that I can't have just one cookie or piece of candy...hopefully will be able to soon. There are more I am sure, but these are what come to mind the most (and, this is the second time writing this post as I accidentally deleted the entire thing the first time)...

Overall, with the good and the bad, this is just the best thing I have done, and I am so thankful...I will continue to push and hope to keep progressing...

Thanksgiving 2010...Ups and Downs but still Thankful

I am back in NYC after a good trip home...despite some bumps in the road, I still had a great time being at home. Without going into a ton of detail, there is a bit of family turmoil going on that is sad and I think revolves around a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication, but needless to say, we did not all spend thanksgiving together, which is just sad and so unlike my very close family...very hard for me to digest and feel/felt very trapped as I love everyone so dearly, but bottom line is, i got through it. My parents and I had a wonderful meal and time together but I missed my brother, as did they (my other brother was in London). but, my Mom is really getting better, which was great to see and they were able to remain in good spirits despite all the challenges...I had to work a lot while I was home, which was unfortunate but is the way it is....I continue to pray for love and healing and I know we will come through this..I am still very thankful for everyone in my family, our love and support...I am also thankful for this journey I have been on and what I have been able to accomplish and all the support I have received..

In terms of eating, what a difference a year makes. Last year I remember eating everything in sight and going for thirds..this year, I had some of everything (all the same foods as last year) but had small portions. Despite being pretty tight over the last week, by some miracle my band really cooperated! Below is a picture of what I ate, consisting of turkey (put in the oscar so was all shredded up), some mashed potatoes, a bit of stuffing, peas, turnips and broccoli casserole (family tradition). Also had a splash of cranberry there. The key was gravy and lots of it to keep everything moist...i also had some sweet potato casserole on a side dish but didn't get a pic

I amazingly was able to eat everything (and had seconds on broccoli casserole -- a once a year delicacy!). When I look at the pic, I can't decide if it looks like a lot or a little, but regardless, was so happy I was able to eat (was nervous given how tough certain foods have been). In terms of leftovers, I discovered a bit of turkey stew. It was turkey, stuffing, mashies, a few peas all chopped up with gravy and a touch of cranberry..it doesn't look very appetizing, but let me tell you it was delish


Besides the meal, I ate pretty well sans my new ice cream addiction...shame on me for thinking that I can control my new found sweet tooth with ice cream in the house...good news though is that overall think I might have lost a pound or two..week over week in the challenge, i am down ~3-5ish i think, though i knew I was fairly bloated last week..

In addition to our big dinner, while I was home I had my 10yr high school reunion..was a good time and I went to the absolute best school and am so blessed. was a tad bit anti climatic given I am still in a very close group of friends, approx 15 of us from high school who I see all the time, and now with face book, even those people I haven't seen in years I know what they are doing. I felt pretty good at the reunion..think i looked nice. It is funny, I was overweight the whole time i was in high school (and am now still heavier than my heaviest in high school, but not that far off), but I still had such a great time. Had great friends and experiences, was a cheerleader, went to dances, was in plays, etc...My weight always bothered me but I felt like people were less judgemental versus those in college and the real world...just a special place and some of my fondest memories

In addition, to dinner and reunion, other highlight was shopping. I took my parents to an outlet mall...not the best outlets, but still have some good stores. We got some good basics, but I also had some huge victories...I got several skirts, a top and a pair of pants from anntaylors..I have never fit in that store, except maybe in a stretchy top, so that was a huge victory and felt great! I'm basically in the smallest women's sizes but still a bit big for regular sizes....Also, another huge victory was in J Crew when Mom and I saw the cutest skirt...they only had a 14, and I am just not quite there yet..well, the sales girls convinced me to try it on...while too tight to wear in public, it zipped and fit...was a huge NSV for me and felt great..some good motivation to keep going...

Sorry for a bit of a ramble but I am feeling energized and am proud of myself for sticking with this, especially in the face of personal challenges that in the past would have sent me right to the pantry..

Here is a picture from last year's thanksgiving (i had trouble finding one because I was hiding from the camera at that point) and me at the reunion..good news is that I can tell the approximate 80ish difference, which is nice..most importantly, I see the difference between someone who was in pain and in a deep depression versus someone who is feeling motivated and coming out of dark days into the light..

I feel tight...but not too tight..

So, when I was at the office on Wed, I got 0.25 added...I felt that I have had decent restriction, in the sense that I could eat basically anything when eating slow/small bites (which i am not always good about) but at the same time, I felt hungry often and was eating an entire entree of pasta out on Tuesday night! it was tough for me to decide because I had had some PB moments but most were bc I was not being smart. anyway, decided to go for a smidge fill.

Wed I ate like crap (ice cream cake for someones bday) but I generally did notice a bit more of tightness. Thursday and Friday I ate well though..soup, mushy type foods. I had salad one day for lunch but ate very small bites and very small portion. What I have noticed, as many of you are/have experienced, I am very tight in the AM. I have no issues with liquids but it is tough to eat anything solid right away. in addition, my current level of tightness is really teaching/showing me that I have GOT to follow good bandster eating rules. Now, the past two days I have learned the hard way, but I really don't think I am too tight. I think this level is just showing me that I have to eat slow, small bites. It is a good reminder of what I'm doing, what I'm eating, why, etc. I had gotten a bit too comfortable and had stalled so I am thinking of this as a refocus.

Some of the posts about what everyone is eating was somewhat of a reinforcer for me that I probably needed a smidge of a fill and more importantly, needed to refocus! I feel like when I first started, I ate very well and nutritious. I have never deprived myself, but generally showed more discipline. Over the last month, I feel like i have eaten crap. a lot of pasta, sweets, etc. I was honestly too embarrassed to even post what I ate some days, let alone on a daily basis. the only consistency I seemed to have was skim latte in the AM with a fiber one bar. But, your posts were helpful and insightful and reminded me of when I first started and really focused on my eating. I do know everyone has their own path and I too have done well, but I want to refocus on healthy foods and eating habits.

This weekend, one of my best friends (does not know about band) was in town from Chi..it was a little bit of a test with my new fill level and showed me that I really need to focus!!! we went to brunch y'day and I got some chili..even still, I took too big of bites and noticed I got a bit stuck (and had no bathroom in sight)..i ended up having to pb into a napkin (i am sure others saw but my friend did not) I did though successfully eat a hot dog at the stadium with no issues (eating very slow, small bites, minimal bread)...to explain the hot dog, we went to the ND v. Army football game at Yankee stadium...it was totally awesome and fun! i love college football and i love ND (being Irish and Catholic). I saw so many cute guys there and it made me excited to continue on this journey and hopefully meet someone in the near future. We ended up crashing last night bc we were dead after the game but went to brunch today. I played it safe with some yogurt and granola (so not like me) and noticed even then I had to go very slow.. I also noticed though that as the brunch went on, I got a little looser which was good. I don't think though that I will be able to go to any early meals for now, but I'm ok with that (especially bc I like to and usually sleep in!!).

I lost weight this week in the challenge (~3 lbs from last week) but i also had a lot of water weight last week..but i'll take it. from the start of the journey, I am down 77.8. I had hoped that I would be farther by now but I know this is still great and I will keep pushing. I feel re-motivated post this last fill and this will be a good test for me this week with food at work mon/tues then home for the rest of the week..looking forward to getting away!

have to go do work reviews now..hope everyone has a great week!

Need.to.focus

got a lil pinch of a fill (0.25)..did not follow liquids only, ate some crap...need, need to refocus....i can do this...

What a great weekend

Well, I have not been fulfilling my duties of blogging or really being focused on me and my weight loss but I did have a great weekend...I also feel like I am on the verge of breaking through this plateau and yo-yo of up/down the same couple of pounds...I am really starting to mentally pump myself up for the gym. it sounds so dramatic and I know it is important and everyone does it successfully, but it is such a mental block for me. I am getting close though..

So, last week was busy, but good. I worked the entire weekend prior on a deal and had to cancel a work trip to Dallas as a result of the deal. was so bummed because I was going to see two of my best friends who live in Dallas and stay the night with them and celebrate my bday...sadly didn't work out. Deal was so stressful (my boss is on maternity leave, so it is all me..going head to head with MDs from other big IBanks..) but ended up ok and priced successfully on Tuesday, which happened to be my bday. Lucky for me, my older bro was in town for work so we went to a really nice dinner. We went to a restaurant called Marea that is supposedly the place to go for the food (my brother is a huge foodie..I'm a mini foodie but no comparison to him). it was very pricey but definitely delicious..so good! also, had some good sightings (Goldie Hahn, Top Chef Pastry host, and Maria Bartiromo and Hank Greenberg (only finance dorks think that is cool))..needless to say though, had cake or some form of dessert to celebrate Monday, Tuesday and Wed! Am not pumped about getting a year older but I also feel like this is my year...this is the year to conquer this beast for good and find true happiness in myself..

So, on Thursday night I flew home for my friend's wedding in ATL. it is one of my best friends from HS (we actually have gone to school together since 2nd grade) and I was a reader. On Friday I had to attend the bridesmaid luncheon, rehearsal and rehearsal dinner..Saturday afternoon was the wedding and then the reception was that night. I have a great group of HS friends (girls and guys) who are VERY close and have the best time together, so was looking forward to it!

Well, I have to be honest, I felt so great this weekend..like so great. I had seen some people in July (have lost an addl 20 since then) and had gotten a good amount of comments on my weight loss but some I had not seen since the spring. It is not the attention that is the best part (though never mind it!) but the fact that people can tell!! Well, I felt like a superstar on Friday night. I had my hair straightened, which is a treat bc not many people do it well bc it is so curly and frizzy, and I had bought this great, fitted knit dress that hugged every curve and was very trendy..wore with black tights and a pair of my fave shoes that completed the outfit. My girlfriends were all very complimentary and so sweet...on the dress, my hair and my weight loss. Well, when I got to the dinner and saw my best guy friends (and their fiances), they went nuts. the one fiance who i love, was flabbergasted and said i looked skinny (i laughed a bit). long story short, I felt really great and loved and supported..i still felt like the bigger girl but it was the best i have felt in a social situation outfit/size wise through this process...Saturday wedding was great as well, and got a lot of compliments on that dress too (though wish i had realized how much cleavage it had..i like cleavage, but was a bit much!!). Wedding of course was a blast with tons of dancing, craziness and my friends having a blast...

coming back was hard (hence it is 1;30 and I am awake) because it is a bit of a let down, and I also have a lot of work to do. I have yet though to really refocus on my goals/this journey and it is time. week one in the challenge saw a 0.2 gain and that just won't work. This weekend and the feelings I had reminded me of why i want to do this and continue..not the attention or people complimenting me...but how I felt..secure, pretty, sexy, etc....i deserve that..I want that..it is up to me...

A few pics from the weekend...i would tell everyone to go buy the black dress i wore bc i loved it, got so many compliments on it (girls asking me if it was trina turk or alice and olivia (couldn't fit in those brands if I tried) and it hugs every curve and hinds your arms (i hate mine)...it wasn't cheap but fairly reasonable and I used a coupon at Lord and Taylors!!

It has been awhile...but I'm back

I have not fallen off the face of the earth but have from the blogging world. Truth be told, I have been reading blogs almost nightly, but not commenting, which I know is not really fair. Each night I would say tonight is the night I am going to start blogging and commenting again but I never did it..Well, I owe it to myself to get back in this..I have worked too hard, come too far. thank goodness for the blogs though, because while I was not up to blogging myself, reading the blogs kept me a bit connected and helped me not to fall off completely..so thank you so much..every night it was like a little comfort for me..

without going into the long winded story, have just been dealing with a lot right now..My mom had not been doing well and everything kind of hit a head..I hope and think though that she is on the road to recovery, thank God. I have been very down about the situation and trying to keep it all together but not always very successful...plus, dealing with family woes and differences of how people take care/deal with things is hard...Bottom line, as everyone knows, life is very hard..things are never easy and it is a constant test of faith and perserverance...during this time though I have gone a bit into a cocoon because I have not really felt like talking about everything when it consumes my thoughts and emotions so much of the time..

In this last month as I have struggled emotionally, it has definitely affected my progress. I feel like since September I have just been kind of out of it with regards to this journey. for a few weeks in september i think I got to a point of being a bit comfortable or cocky in that I had lost a great deal of weight, people had noticed, clothes didn't fit anymore, etc. I found myself just kind of going through life not really thinking about what I was doing/eating and how much further I have to go on my journey.

Then, once things started happening in my personal life, I just kind of fell off the wagon. now, thank God that this falling off the wagon was nothing like I would have fallen off the wagon in the past..I think it is a combination of the band (thank goodness) and a bit more of a personal recognition of how I deal with my emotions. I had some some big falls but overall, I held it together ok. I continued to step on the scale, which was important..i teetered between three or four pounds for about 3 weeks but thank Goodness I really didn't reverse what I had done. I am still so frustrated that I feel like i have "wasted" almost 2 months in this journey and look back and think "argh" but i have to give myself a bit of a break and recognize that in past attempts at weight loss, this would be a time where I would literally stop, give up and reverse everything I have done.

despite some of my falls, I have managed to lose some weight since september..I hover around 75 down, give or take...i do know this is an accomplishment and I am not just whining...one of the things about me and this journey is when I do something, i get very determined and competitive with myself, and as a result hard on myself when things don't go as I wish they have. I want to be all in this and continue. plus, it was about 4 not so good weeks and 2 very disciplined weeks.. When i actually look back over the last two months i know that I really did hold things together pretty well given what I was dealing with but I am putting myself back in the game..

bottom line, I am getting a bit of my fight back, which feels good...I have thought about/wanted to do this post for about two weeks now but it is always hard to take the first step/restart...but, I did it...I am making public that I am refocusing and remembering why I am doing this and what I have accomplished...the effects of losing weight so far have been so amazing...feeling better, more comfortable, less winded, etc. and I want to continue..I deserve this and after being a good friend, sister, daughter, worker for so long, i need to continue to really take care of myself and not put me last...

So, today I re-pledge myself to this journey and doing this once and for all...and that includes being in touch on blogging and being accountable..there are many things I still have to get to to be successful (e.g. going to the gym.i have yet to do) but I know that I have just taken a step forward for myself and those two will come...

thanks to everyone who has been blogging and allowing me to read your posts and feel connected...and, a special thanks to Angela..Angela, your comment really helped me get over the finish line of coming back into blogging..it was just what I needed, so thanks so much...

I know many people are having a bit of a tough time right now for various reasons, but have faith that you will find your way back and that this is a journey...

Tomorrow is a new day

Work has kicked my butt this week, working most nights till midnight and am so tired but need to post..need accountability and an opportunity to vent and remember that this too shall pass...i want to do bullet points but don't know how to format for this (despite being able to run excel models, technology is not my forte)....i will thus do *s

*I have done well in my job and am viewed positively I think, but sometimes I feel so overwhelmed, unprepared, not smart enough, a phony, etc. this is usually when I don't sleep well and it all becomes circular. Work has been such a big part of my life and I am proud of what I have accomplished but still have yet to figure out if it is my true passion (or what would be if it isn't) or what I am destined to do..Not sure if I stay because I am used to it/don't like change and for the money...in addition, not sure if giving up so much of my personal life for work is worth it..

*When I am exhausted and don't have time to get lunch/dinner, it is not a good idea to have two magnolia cupcakes...having motivation and a great day of eating on Monday only to then eat horribly tues and wed is not ideal...consistency is very important and something I need to work on. I need to push through to my next goal...i have been sitting at this weight, not really focusing or moving the scale..i can do it though.

*I am loving reading blogs and am reminded of the amazement of this journey/process..i haven't had a chance to comment on anyone, which is unacceptable but hope to do that this weekend or Monday..the blogs are a comfort for me as I read but I must provide others the comfort/support as well

*I have got to get some new suits for work..I have been getting by generally for work with black pants/skirts and old tops that just fit better...I am not dressing business formal as I should be but women can fudge it given we don't wear ties. But, when I have to wear suits for meetings, as in today, I am in a jam. today, my parents were literally falling off me at different points..a good thing I know..just need to find some suits to get me through..

*did have an NSV yesterday as a banker I haven't seen for almost 6 months said I looked great (and it was when I looked like I had been run over by a truck, but I forgot he hadn't seen me recently)..nice to know people can see the difference

*Thanks for the thought about my Mom...she is doing better but still is dealing with some health stuff, but working on it...i just love her so much and wish I could fix everything for her..

*Am supposed to fly home tomorrow night for the weekend and to host a wedding shower...haven't packed and am still not sure if my flight will work, in terms of taking Friday off work...hoping it will work out..

*i can't wait for beverly hills housewives to start...i am obsessed with all Housewives shows except Atlanta

I am about to fall asleep and this post is so dis jointed and not making a ton of sense...tempted not to publish, but oh well...the sun will come out tomorrow!

Things are looking up..so glad sisterhood clothes went well...and getting back to the basics

Am catching up on everything so needed to do a post! have LOVED reading about BOOBs, but haven't had a chance to properly comment/post...

First, on the personal front, thank you very much for your concern/thoughts. My mom is dealing with some medical issues and it has been very stressful and challenging...was home in ATL for less than 48 hours but being there for the ones you love is something you will never regret. But, appts are happening/scheduled and on a path to hopefully getting better...I ate a bit more than I have been and did experience a bit of emotional/mindless eating, but overall, much less so than I have in the past and would call it a 3/10 on the severity scale..don't think it is "ok" and while I want to recognize it is still a challenge, I also need to recognize how far i have come..

Switching topics, I have loved seeing everyone's photos/posts about Chicago..it really seems like it was great...filled with a range of emotions but overall a very powerful experience...hopefully I can make the next one. I was tickled pink (ode to my favorite Steel Magnolias) that the Sisterhood clothes I sent were well received...As I posted previously I sent a box of clothes out to Chicago for the Sisterhood and Catherine handled them. I was very excited about sending these clothes..it was exciting for me to go through and have clothes too big, and in addition, I felt very good about passing on and helping hopefully other people. Well, Catherine said that everything went great, and I was so excited to see the clothes and how great everything looked on everyone..it really is so cool to see things passed on! You absolutely must see Catherine's post ..it was very special for me to read and touched me..

On the band front...I am stuck..not physically, but scale/losing weight wise and focus wise. Over the past month I have plateaued and fluctuated 2 lbs up and down. I have been careless and not really thinking and kind of just going with the motions. still smaller portions and nothing crazy, but I have not been making food choices that will help me lose weight..I feel good about where I have come from but I need to propel onward for the second half of the journey...I need to be more accountable and get back to some basics, especially as it will be tougher to lose more weight given what I have already lost. Besides making smart food choices, I want to continue working on eating SLOW and really focusing on my meals..I know I can do it and hope that next week I have some progress to report..

TGIF and I look forward to posting comments on the blogs I have read through but haven't been able to post on...and am excited to have found more blogger friends/blogs to read!!

Things are looking up..so glad sisterhood clothes went well...and

Triumph in emotional eating

Am on a train back to the city from Philly.. Then to the airport to fly home. My girls weekend got cut short to go home for a family emergency..while I know all will be ok, it is still sad, scary and difficult.

As I thought about the situation and any bright spots, I was thinking how I have no desire to eat to help me cope... I am not thinking about food or obsessing on it as a way to numb myself and try to forget this situation... This is a huge nsv for me... In past situations, food would be the thing I would use to help comfort me.... A very nice feeling..

In terms of the band and food, it has been cooperating. My girls weekends tend to center around fun brunches and dinners (and wine!) but my band behaved and I had no problem. I didn't really eat any differently than my friends, who are all thin, but I just tried to eat smaller portions than I used to (aka normal sized portions like they would eat).. I didn't feel deprived and enjoyed very good food. I have also gotten good about chewing a lot as I eat slowly. Felt so much love and happiness being with my friends an itwas a good distraction...


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Location:Train from Philly to NYC

Sisterhood Clothes En Route to Chi-town..

First, am so excited for everyone going to Chicago and wish that I could make it (I have my college girlfriend's annual reunion) but I hope y'all have a great time and can't wait to read about everything! Plus, Chicago is such an awesome city and Fall is the best time of year there!

On to sisterhood clothes! Awhile ago I posted about how I had a lot of clothes to pass on and really wanted to share, but I am not good at mailing so I wanted to see if anyone might be interested in receiving the box and get dibs on it.....well, Catherine was so lovely and offered to receive the box despite the fact that none of the clothes would work for her (hello..she is skinny minny!)...how thoughtful and kind of Catherine, which I really appreciate.

So, knowing I was going to mail stuff out, I have been in the process of cleaning out clothes, sorting things, etc. Given my lack of mailing skill (while I don't have a phobia, I always plan on mailing stuff and have good intention on getting to the post office but I never seem to make it to the post office on time), I of course waited until the last minute and realized on Sunday I needed to get going! So, I loaded a rolling suitcase and duffel with clothes and took it to work on Monday, hoping I could go after work to mail it. Got stuck at work late but ran out at 9:45 and then hustled to the post office (only in NY is one open until 10pm!). Of course had to buy a box, stuff everything in, tape it, etc..I looked like an idiot trying to get everything in and properly tape it, but luckily the woman working at the post office was nice and I was there until 10:20ish...I asked her if she could tell I didn't frequent the post office a lot and she laughed..

Here is a photo of me mailing the box (and the nice woman who helped me and my horrible taping job) as the first step in the sisterhood clothes journey!





In the box is a hodge podge of stuff and sizes...two suits, nice pair of jeans never worn, a few blazers, etc..I hope that some of the things might work for people! Hope everyone has a great time in Chicago!!

PS -- this is the first time I successfully posted a link! haha..not super tech savvy..

Seat and seat belt fit... Check!

So I am flying right now to Omaha for a client meeting...I am on one of the small express jets. While I have fit better in plane and train seats for awhile, when I sat down today and buckled in comfortably, I remembered my last trip to see this client @ Nov 2009. I was traveling with male colleagues that I didn't know very well. Sure enough, one gets seated across the aisle from me. While I plunkered down in the seat, the seat belt didn't fit. I tried to stay calm while dying inside, hoping he didn't notice, but it took so many tries and manuvering it would have been impossible for him not too. While the seatbelt buckled, I was humiliated and from then on remembering having nightmares about traveling for work and not fitting in the seat and can remember praying with my mom that the seatbelt would fit for a business trip and I wouldn't have a problem, especially after that celebrity got liked off the plane. While I still do have a bit of fear about small planes, it doesn't haunt me like it did and I have been flying for over 2 hours now and my thighs have not made the arm rest rise up. What a blessing and something reaffirming the importance of this journey!


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Thousand Word Thursday

So it is Thousand word Thursday from Amy at Babbles of a Bandster (she is so nice and such a hoot!)...each week is a new topic and you answer the question with a picture..The topic this week is:

A decoration in your home that is very meaningful to you - a family heirloom, a gift from your BFF, etc.

Now, this one is a lil tough for me as I live in about 400 square feet in a rented apt that is falling apart (I am working on getting a new apartment..or at least I say I am)...I don't really have grown up furniture yet, which sounds ridiculous to me given I am a grown adult but my apartment is so small...that is one of my goals in addition to getting a new apartment.

So, given I don't really have any decorations/furniture that I love/cherish, I thought of the things I do cherish the most in my home..here is what I came up with:

This is my "Mother's Love Pillow"..one of my prized possessions...this is a very old pillow that was my Mom's..it is so perfectly squishy and the best pillow ever. when we were younger we would always try to steal this pillow because we all loved it but my Mom would never part with it. As I have noted before, my Mom is basically my heart, so when I went to college, she gave me her pillow..Growing up my mom would always say "Mother's Love" on the phone or when she would say goodnight, so it was my Mother's Love pillow to hug and comfort me when I was away...well, there have been so many times, almost 10 years since I was gifted that pillow, that I still hug it and when I will speak to my Mom, she will tell me to hug my pillow and feel the comfort of mother's love..

These were also a gift from my mother and are beautiful earrings..they are not my favorite because of how nice and lovely they are, but what they represent. These were my Mom's earrings from my Dad that she gave me about three years ago at Christmas. AFter battling financial challenges for much of our lives (while never going without!), my Dad had a great year at work and gave my Mom these earrings. Roughly 10 years later at this Christmas, times were tough in terms of getting gifts...well, my Mom gave me her earrings...I was shocked and didn't want to take them but she said she wanted me to have them and it brought her so much joy to see me wear them and enjoy them...I really think of it as more of a loan but I just cherish these earrings because of the love and selflessness they represent..I really treasure them and wear them 90% of the time..

Hope everyone is having a good week..TGIF...

A quick post... My first mobile post!

A rare second to breathe so thought I would do a quick post. Doing great on my goals for today sans the cookie I just ate!! Whoops!! I have been having massive cravings (hormonal related --- or that is my excuse) but otherwise doing well..am almost done with 50 oz of water and ate a sensible lunch! Today was fairly slow, which is a rarity I fully embrace... Like many, I am either so slammed or slow (9 out of 10 slammed)...so, I ate slowly and over am hour period but didn't eat too much... A turkey sandwich with only one slice of wheat toast and a slice of cheese ( with some veggies of course)... I really wish I could cut the cheese, but I just loooove cheese... And the thought of a Sammy without one is just not desireable! Also, thbplace I went to has boars head turkey which I think is the best.

Other than my food, meeting some goals, faltering at others, I an excitedbti leave hopefully in the next 45 mins and go to pilates! Also, day 2 of trying to look better at work ( despite oversleeping by one hour) was good! Have on a cute dress and while my hair is up, I tried to make it look cute! We will see how day 3 goes... I low getting dressed up and puttin on makeup but I have gotten so lazy about work... And there are many cute guys here so need to try do look somewhat decent...

Look at that water on my desk!!
wanted to take a pic of me in my dress but a bit tough/obvious on the trading floor!
Ok, enough for now!! Hope everyone is having a great day



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A great weekend..and some interesting perspective

So, after my last post, I am feeling much better. I did not let it keep me down and forged on. I had an absolute great weekend, including seeing Going the Distance (love), going to dinner with my friend's parents in from FL, Jersey Boys on Broadway, a zillion errands (and I am not good at doing errands) that I walked to in the city (about 1.5hours of walking), Church and the US Open...I ate pretty well (all with people who do not know about my band), sans the chicken fingers and fries at the Open..note to self to bring something from home to eat next time...

I am really starting to feel overall better and this weight loss has really helped..I am by no means comfortable, but feeling a desire to do things again and more like myself..it is such a great feeling because I am someone who has always embraced life and I was missing that over the last year. I fit fairly comfortably in the Open and Broadway Seats, going through the turn style to get into the Open was fine, I am feeling prettier and wanting to get dressed up...just nice to reflect on feeling better..

So tonight, my big bro was in the city for a conference and we went to dinner. He was (and always is) so sweet and supportive. He religiously reads my blog (and has read many others), wants to be a part of every step, asks for posts, etc..also wanted to order and pace his eating so it was band friendly..He is just amazing...He told me how beautiful I looked and he said I looked so great and he could really tell my loss, especially in my face (it has been ~35 pounds since I last saw him). We ended up going to dinner at ABCKitchen, a newer restaurant in the city that I have really been wanting to try. It is a Farm to Table restaurant (uses local ingredients, veggies from local farms) and has a great decor/vibe. The meal was pretty good (i would say a 6 out of 10), but the food paled in comparison to the company/seeing my brother.

Needless to say, we had a VERY open conversation...many things that will have to be included in future posts because it is too much for just one, but one of the biggest things that I (more he) noticed was that it was hard for me to accept the compliments..even with my brother, who i am 100% comfortable with, I got somewhat embarrassed accepting the nice words and he kept telling me how great I looked, and all I could think is "you are my brother, of course you say that.." I know that I need to be better at accepting compliments and being positive, but all I can think is that I still have so much to lose and I don't want anyone to know how much I have lost (i.e. those not in my inner circle) or how much I still have to lose because the number I have lost is half of many people and I am still overweight and have a lot more to go despite this number..My brother was shocked/frustrated at this..he kept pointing out that I should be celebrating what I have done, my improvement and where I am going...he even made some comparisons to picking stocks (two finance geeks..). I know he is right and I am proud of myself and am excited for where I am going..I know I am hard on myself and it will be something that I will need to improve upon going forward...We talked about so much (guys, dating, perception of heavier people, etc)....so open and honest...I am definitely going to have to post about some of the other things later..

I did well on the eating front and am determined to make this week a great one...in the spirit of some others posting goals, here are some goals for the week:
*No pasta (for some reason I have been eating so much pasta lately and I generally try to avoid very high carb foods)
*Drink 64 oz of water (this is tough for me but I know how important it is)
*Make quality food choices at all meals and avoid mindless snacking
*go to the gym at least twice for cardio (the one thing I have totally been missing is exercise and this is something I know I need to conquer/focus on). This is in addition to Pilates
*Avoid Desserts (again, have been doing a lot of desserts/sweets lately, which is not my norm)..
*Blog every day, if even for quick posts..(excited to use the new blogger app)

I have already done well on the avoid dessert choice..I was craving something sweet after lunch today and one of the girls on my team got engaged so I decided my desk should get cupcakes (Magnolia cupcakes..i.e. from Sex and the City..to die for..)..So, I took orders and went. On the way over, I was asking myself if the cupcake was worth it? I decided I would only eat half, but by the time I got to Magnolia, I decided I would skip it...it was tough as I watched everyone eat it but I felt very happy / proud that I resisted...

Below are a few highlight pics from the weekend and dinner!

Some bumpy waters...

A bit of an accountability, acknowledgement post..

So, I have not been doing awesome on the band front...On Mon and Tues AMs on my scale, I was down 65, my Sept 1 goal..i tend to require two days of the number on the scale for it to "count"..so, I updated my goal on the right side of my home page but was too tired to post about reaching the goal. Well, the next four days, including today, I have been higher than those numbers and my 65 down goal..I realize there is water weight and I am only 2 higher than the 65 down, but still I feel like I'm cheating a bit..hmm.I think I will wait to fully celebrate the 65...especially because I have not been doing great in band land/eating..I feel like I don't necessarily deserve to be down 65 as I have not had the "fight" in me recently..

I know this journey will have ups and downs, and I have experienced both, and I think I'm in a bit of a down. That said, this "down" is nothing like a previous down would be..where if I didn't have a good day, I would say screw it, I already ruined the day and just make it a blow out..I just in general have not been making as conscious food choices. I have been much better about chewing, eating slow and taking smaller bites, but I think I have been eating too much....even if over a slower period. and generally just not eating healthy enough. In addition, I have found myself indulging in a bit of emotional/head hunger..now, it is nothing like the past or overwhelming, but I am giving in a bit, which I have for the most part thus far, not done.

For instance, yesterday, I was getting a pedicure, right next to the grocery store..throughout much of the pedicure, I was thinking about food..what I would eat for dinner, what could I eat, how I wish I could just gorge.... It was a bit of a rough day/week and I have not been sleeping great...in addition, I think I am hormonal...Well, after I was done with my pedi, I decided to go get some sugar free carnation shakes bc I was out of them (mistake to enter the grocery store when tired, hungry and emotional)..well, they didn't have them. While I was at the store, all I could think about was I wanted ice cream and m&ms..well, I gave in and went to the aisle..but, I ended up with a mini cup skinny cow for 150 cals and only allowed myself one (bc I don't have enough will power if it is in my apt). Well, after that, I remembered i had these pretzel crisps in my apt that I loved, so I decided to see if I could get some cheese to go with them, thinking, I will just have a few. I ended up getting "pub cheese"..a spreadable, cream cheese like thing that had cheddar cheese, cream and jalapenos (i know it sounds gross ...even typing it).

Well, I proceed to go home and have my skinny cow...then, I ate Half of the container of cheese with pretzels..Veerrry slowly...I was hungry in the beginning but then I think I just let it go from there. The only thing that stopped me from finishing was that at the last minute I met my friend for dinner...she picked sushi..given I was not that hungry and had the pub cheese, I decided I wasn't going to really eat and told her I was just going to have one roll (and wasn't planning on eating it all) bc I ate a mini dinner...well, forget that, put sushi in front of me and I had about almost 2 rolls (that she ordered)...so then, we go to the movies (btw, if you like Chick Flicks, which I LOVE), I decide to get a coke..I have basically given up coke (i call any soda coke given I am from ATL) and only have one once in a while..well, I normally have always drank DC. at the movies, I decide to get a mix of DC/Cherry Coke...my friend got m&ms. Well, I think the guy screwed up and gave me all cherry coke..and the movie theatre's smalls are basically a large. so, i had a huge cherry coke and had about 30 m&ms...just mindless...I guess the first step is admitting..

So, after this not great week and horrible yesterday eating, I was not dying to jump on the scale today (most mornings, I am so excited to jump on and see how I have done) and I hate that I had that feeling...Amazingly, I was only 2 higher than my down 65 pounds number...amazing given all the food I ate..I don't want to give up, but I do want to get my fight back and keep going. I have done well so far and am proud of myself, but I have such a long way to go and fear getting too comfortable...so, I want to re motivate..after not sleeping well, I am not feeling motivated right now but I have acknowledged my mishaps and have made the decision I want to improve and get back on track (and i know sleeping well will help). I have dinner/lunch plans through Monday, but I think on Tues I might do a bit of a mini "cleanse" with some protein shakes, etc..I liked Grace's 5 day plan...anyways, am not going to let myself get down and out (and, the fact that I want to go shopping bc a lot of my clothes are big is a good sign and could be a motivating thing) but am glad I am airing my dirty laundry...hopefully, when I am near or at my goal and I look back on this journey, I can read this post/posts like these (because I know there will be more) and be proud that I forged onward versus previous losing attempts where it would all be over...plus, I threw out the pub cheese thank goodness..

On a more positive note, food aside, had a great time last night and am going to dinner and a show tonight and then the U.S. Open on Monday so will be a fun weekend..hope everyone else has a good one as well..

Thousand Word Thursday

Have not been good about blogging and not really up for it tonight (but have been reading and loving it), but i couldn't miss Amy's first Thousand Word Thursday because it is such a fun idea and is so fun to read...For those who don't know, each week there will be a theme/question and then you post a picture to respond..so this week's:
"Let's celebrate our own beauty and how wonderful we all look with a photo of your favorite feature on your own body"


so, my favorite body part right now I think are my eyelashes..they are long and curly and I love putting mascara on them and seeing how plump and long I can make them..the only thing I like making plump!!...this was the best pic i had (though not the best mascara job I have done and excuse the need for an eyebrow wax)...have loved reading everyone's blogs and hope I am feeling more like myself and in a position to want to post this weekend....

The scale is moving all around!

Some things that I think I am doing well:
*Not emotionally eating..Yes, i have wanted to reach for things, but I have held back (and the fear of what could happen if I try to eat them

I made it just in time (going by AM scale, not PM scale)

So, I'm going to say I have reached my 65 goal...on the scale y'day AM and this morning I had reached 65 down...this evening, I have supposedly gained 6 pounds from this morning (btw, stepped on the scale about 4 times this AM)...I'm going to say though that

soooo stuck...

Literally...ALL Day. i had almost one egg over medium around 10 am and a sugar free carnation instant breakfastaround 3pm..that is what I have been able to keep down..what I have tried to keep down includes a few bites of a pancake, qdoba kids meal, soup and pasta..now, not all in one sitting and reflects that I tried two different things for breakfast and lunch...I have had incidents where I have eaten too fast or not chewed well enough and had an issue but I have never gone an entire day with such an issue..so uncomfortable and I don't like it...hopefully will feel a bit better tomorrow...good thing I was too tired to keep my dinner plans because I think I would have had a problem..going to try to get some sleep and hopefully will be better in the AM...until then, back to carnation instant breakfast...

4 month bandiversary reflection (and 3 posts in one night!)

Ok, I had a lot on my mind tonight...I will keep this short, but I just have to say thank you...thank you to my family, friends and blog friends..thank you for helping me get to today and for your support and encouragement.

Four months later (as of yesterday), I am in a good place... I have good days and I have bad days but I have prevailed and I have never given up. I can 100% say this is probably the best decision I have ever made..and I have worked on putting myself first, which I have not often done...I have reached a place where I really feel like I can look to the future and have hope that I will not battle this demon for the rest of my life..that I am actually on a path of conquering my weight..will I always probably battle my weight in some way..yes...but I don't feel like it will ever have a strong hold over me again and that I am changing my life. I was very uncertain, scared and ashamed about this surgery..I was so scared to do it...looking back I am so proud of myself that I followed through and anyone who is reading this and considering it, trust me, it is worth it. I have faced sacrifices but these are nothing when I think about the life change I am making...I have a long way to go, but I have hope...and I am ready to keep fighting and trying to push through..

Clothes for the Sisterhood...question

So I have some clothes for the sisterhood..one suit, a few dresses, 1 or 2 winter sweaters, likely a winter coat and a trench coat, 1 or 2 lightweight sweaters, one or two blazers...some are in great condition, some are a bit worn but have some wear left in them..I am still going through everything so don't know for sure yet..I have stuff across the size range and seasons..I have not always fallen into an exact size and think I stretched things out, etc...i am now about a size 18 probably (ahh..i do not say my size outloud (in type or verbally..haha) (depending on the clothes). I honestly can't say I fit an exact size.

here is my problem..I am just not good at mailing things...perhaps it is because I am in NY and on a 4th floor walk up, or I don't know, but I'm just not very good at it..It is not the cost but literally just getting my stuff together and doing it (which I always have to do on weekends and never quite get to..)In addition, given all the different sizes, I am wondering if it would be easier for people to see/try on...anyways, I can't make it to Chicago (I am very bummed) but I was wondering if I should just send to the hotel for when there is an exchange and they can be included? i would then need to do one big mailing which could be tough but I have a month notice?). I would though need to make it to some one's attention I imagine..if anyone thinks this makes sense and anyone is interested and would want first dibs on everything (and thus be responsible for receiving the mailing), please let me know...I can try to do a bit of a cataloging of what sizes, but they literally range. If someone has a better idea, please let me know. I can also try to do a better job of taking inventory but am still in the process..again, I can also try to mail things individually because I really want to pass on things because I know it stinks to buy for one wear..any thoughts welcome..

two things I wanted to post pictures about / see if anyone had interest were dresses I wore that I could try to mail separately... they are bridesmaid dresses but they were both pretty and someone could perhaps use them for something? it will not hurt my feelings if no one is interested but I thought I would ask before including them in any mailing so that I can try to donate to a charity because they are in good condition. both of these have been altered and I was about 2 sizes smaller than the designer sizes (i have always been in bridesmaid dresses..) but also note that I had them both tailored to me...

Here is one (Amsale, size 24..i was probably about an 18ish+ when I wore this? maybe 20?..it is an aline, fitted at the top but flattering..these are the best pictures I could find (of course I never want to be on the end so I can hide my arms/hips)




Here is another (priscilla of Boston, also size 24...I was about 40ish pounds heavier wearing this one than the one above but i think it was much more forgiving given the skirt..i was probably a solid 20/.22? this was about 1mth after surgery...it is a ball skirt and empire waist...hides anything hippy..i think the crumb catcher top might need to be sewn a bit, but nothing major.


Let me know...you can email me at megdore@yahoo.com...and take my sizes with you to the grave..i often cut them out of clothes (I remember hearing Catherine did that too! haha)

PS - please pass on if you know of someone who these might work for..ranging in sizes 20ish..in case we are not followers of one another

Today was not a great day eating wise...

So, today was a BAD day eating wise...Goodness..I get all hyped up about being 60 down and then I rest on my laurels and think I can eat whatever I want...who am I kidding??!!! argh!

So, my day started at 3:30 am..I was having a dream I guess and woke up in a panic/dream that my new Analyst had googled me and found out about my surgery..isn't that ridiculous? I am way too paranoid..I am fine if I keep this to myself but I also have to get over my fear/anxiety too..I literally could not sleep and after about 20 mins got up and started googling myself..i am ridiculous...and by the way, you can not find it by googling my name (i always google people when I am bored). If I am honest, I fear people finding out..I so admire everyone who is open about this because I think it is an amazing thing to do, but for me for now, I just don't want to be under the microscope when I feel like I always have been/are..Regardless, I can not let this keep me awake!!

so, around 4:15ish, I got up and started trying on some clothes as I clean out my closet (more about that in another post) and try to see what doesn't fit anymore...so, after a few try ons, I decided I had to try to sleep..I started reading blogs (and went back on several) until about 5am. I then decided I should just stay up until 5:30 and go to the gym but then I passed out about 5:15..ended up waking up late around 7 but somehow made it in time for work..

food wise, I had iced coffee around 8am..then had yogurt around 9:30. around 10:45 i was hungry so had about 10 baked lays..for lunch, I had a turkey burger...I did very well and ate very slowly and over about 1 hour..i ate the entire thing but I was hungry and felt ok about it because it was protein and i wanted it. had about 8 sweet potato fries with it. then, abround 1:45, I was craving something sweet and got maybe 1/4 cup of fro yo at the cafe...then around 2:30..i had half of a cupcake...mindless/lazy/wanted it...only to feel guilty about 5 mins, only to go back and have another 1/2 around 4pm!!! for dinner, I had a personal size thin crust pizza...i ate the whole thing but was very slow (over an hour)..i think i had about 1/4 too much as I sit now...ok, enough rambling but I needed to skip that cupcake! the pizza (assuming i ate only 1/2 ) I am ok with but I ate too much...tomorrow though is another day...reading Gilly's amazing accomplishment of almost reaching 100 is so amazing and an example for me!!

Hope everyone had a good monday and exciting that the women in FL were able to meet!

What a great support system....emotional eating...and down 60

A couple of themes/thoughts all in one post...

First off, thank you so much for your very sweet comments..I genuinely, really appreciate it. I realized as I re-read my post that I am hard on myself and need to look at the positives versus negatives (easier said than done), but I do see progress and there is no where to go but down! And you all were very kind with your compliments...always nice to feel good..Thanks again for your support..what an amazing support system this blog has been and the blogging community and followers (my wonderful family and friends.)..support in that I can vent during the tough times, celebrate the good times and victories, ask for advice, etc. this has been the best, but also one of the toughest decisions that I have made and this blog has become a very important part of my journey..and to have it as a memory...Just thank you again so much...

On Thursday night I had what I would consider the biggest bout with emotional eating that I think I have had since the surgery..I have had many instances with emotional eating post band but this was the first time where I literally thought to myself "i wish i didn't have this band so I could just eat, eat eat to feel better and forget."..Not worth going into what got me there, but such a wakeup moment to realize those feelings and that I have coped with my emotions that way so often in the past...one of the main reasons I got here. I was having some spaghetti (surprisingly, if I eat slowly, it does fine)..I got some delivery and it literally lasted me for three meals..this is a serving i would have eaten in the old days in one sitting plus an appetizer..ok, back to my emotional eating. As I was thinking I was i could eat whatever I wanted, I realized that I couldn't. I did eat a bit more than I was hungry for sure (i.e. 2 skinny cow ice creams and a 100 calorie pack of doritos) but thank God for the band to help me through this challenge. now, is the band the answer, no. But, it helped me that night because I did not want to face the physical ramifications of trying to overeat, and it got me to the next morning, where as I was walking down my apartment steps to work, I thought to myself "did I really feel that way? " It was an acknowledgement/awareness of how destructive that behavior is and how I couldn't believe I engaged in it for so long. the fact that for so long I tried to heal myself my sabotaging myself with food. it was a bit of an "aha" moment realizing that I don't want to do that anymore..band or not, it doesn't solve my problems, make me feel better in the long run. I think I will always battle the desire to eat to compensate for negative feelings but I think I reached a bit of a milestone for honestly recognizing that I don't WANT to eat to cope..that while dealing with my feelings are hard, it has to be done. this band has helped me in my emotional health as well so much...it was a tough Thursday night but a great feeling the next day when I thought about how I had felt and how I want to live my life going forward...

Despite a bit of a blip on Thursday, I am down 60 pounds as of this AM!!!! While I had a few blips, I in general have been pretty disciplined and have focused on protein generally. also, I am really noticing my portion sizes decreasing post my last fill..especially on vacation. I am able to eat most things (as long as it is slow) but also my desire for size is so much less...I am stll working on not eating too fast/pb'ing, but I am happy to report that I only had one real issue this week at work, which post my vacation incidents was definitely an improvement...I feel really good about being down 60 but I also want to gear up to keep focused and continue...

Thanks again for all your support, well wishes and encouragement. A special shout out to my "big bro" Brian...Brian is such a big force and support in this journey and has been my whole life..he loves the blog and is so encouraging of me posting and asks "where is my post."..Bri, thanks for your love and support and encouragement. Also, a welcome back to my "lil bro" Sean back from Europe!!! Missed him!

hope everyone has a great weekend!