I made it just in time (going by AM scale, not PM scale)

So, I'm going to say I have reached my 65 goal...on the scale y'day AM and this morning I had reached 65 down...this evening, I have supposedly gained 6 pounds from this morning (btw, stepped on the scale about 4 times this AM)...I'm going to say though that

soooo stuck...

Literally...ALL Day. i had almost one egg over medium around 10 am and a sugar free carnation instant breakfastaround 3pm..that is what I have been able to keep down..what I have tried to keep down includes a few bites of a pancake, qdoba kids meal, soup and pasta..now, not all in one sitting and reflects that I tried two different things for breakfast and lunch...I have had incidents where I have eaten too fast or not chewed well enough and had an issue but I have never gone an entire day with such an issue..so uncomfortable and I don't like it...hopefully will feel a bit better tomorrow...good thing I was too tired to keep my dinner plans because I think I would have had a problem..going to try to get some sleep and hopefully will be better in the AM...until then, back to carnation instant breakfast...

4 month bandiversary reflection (and 3 posts in one night!)

Ok, I had a lot on my mind tonight...I will keep this short, but I just have to say thank you...thank you to my family, friends and blog friends..thank you for helping me get to today and for your support and encouragement.

Four months later (as of yesterday), I am in a good place... I have good days and I have bad days but I have prevailed and I have never given up. I can 100% say this is probably the best decision I have ever made..and I have worked on putting myself first, which I have not often done...I have reached a place where I really feel like I can look to the future and have hope that I will not battle this demon for the rest of my life..that I am actually on a path of conquering my weight..will I always probably battle my weight in some way..yes...but I don't feel like it will ever have a strong hold over me again and that I am changing my life. I was very uncertain, scared and ashamed about this surgery..I was so scared to do it...looking back I am so proud of myself that I followed through and anyone who is reading this and considering it, trust me, it is worth it. I have faced sacrifices but these are nothing when I think about the life change I am making...I have a long way to go, but I have hope...and I am ready to keep fighting and trying to push through..

Clothes for the Sisterhood...question

So I have some clothes for the sisterhood..one suit, a few dresses, 1 or 2 winter sweaters, likely a winter coat and a trench coat, 1 or 2 lightweight sweaters, one or two blazers...some are in great condition, some are a bit worn but have some wear left in them..I am still going through everything so don't know for sure yet..I have stuff across the size range and seasons..I have not always fallen into an exact size and think I stretched things out, etc...i am now about a size 18 probably (ahh..i do not say my size outloud (in type or verbally..haha) (depending on the clothes). I honestly can't say I fit an exact size.

here is my problem..I am just not good at mailing things...perhaps it is because I am in NY and on a 4th floor walk up, or I don't know, but I'm just not very good at it..It is not the cost but literally just getting my stuff together and doing it (which I always have to do on weekends and never quite get to..)In addition, given all the different sizes, I am wondering if it would be easier for people to see/try on...anyways, I can't make it to Chicago (I am very bummed) but I was wondering if I should just send to the hotel for when there is an exchange and they can be included? i would then need to do one big mailing which could be tough but I have a month notice?). I would though need to make it to some one's attention I imagine..if anyone thinks this makes sense and anyone is interested and would want first dibs on everything (and thus be responsible for receiving the mailing), please let me know...I can try to do a bit of a cataloging of what sizes, but they literally range. If someone has a better idea, please let me know. I can also try to do a better job of taking inventory but am still in the process..again, I can also try to mail things individually because I really want to pass on things because I know it stinks to buy for one wear..any thoughts welcome..

two things I wanted to post pictures about / see if anyone had interest were dresses I wore that I could try to mail separately... they are bridesmaid dresses but they were both pretty and someone could perhaps use them for something? it will not hurt my feelings if no one is interested but I thought I would ask before including them in any mailing so that I can try to donate to a charity because they are in good condition. both of these have been altered and I was about 2 sizes smaller than the designer sizes (i have always been in bridesmaid dresses..) but also note that I had them both tailored to me...

Here is one (Amsale, size 24..i was probably about an 18ish+ when I wore this? maybe 20?..it is an aline, fitted at the top but flattering..these are the best pictures I could find (of course I never want to be on the end so I can hide my arms/hips)




Here is another (priscilla of Boston, also size 24...I was about 40ish pounds heavier wearing this one than the one above but i think it was much more forgiving given the skirt..i was probably a solid 20/.22? this was about 1mth after surgery...it is a ball skirt and empire waist...hides anything hippy..i think the crumb catcher top might need to be sewn a bit, but nothing major.


Let me know...you can email me at megdore@yahoo.com...and take my sizes with you to the grave..i often cut them out of clothes (I remember hearing Catherine did that too! haha)

PS - please pass on if you know of someone who these might work for..ranging in sizes 20ish..in case we are not followers of one another

Today was not a great day eating wise...

So, today was a BAD day eating wise...Goodness..I get all hyped up about being 60 down and then I rest on my laurels and think I can eat whatever I want...who am I kidding??!!! argh!

So, my day started at 3:30 am..I was having a dream I guess and woke up in a panic/dream that my new Analyst had googled me and found out about my surgery..isn't that ridiculous? I am way too paranoid..I am fine if I keep this to myself but I also have to get over my fear/anxiety too..I literally could not sleep and after about 20 mins got up and started googling myself..i am ridiculous...and by the way, you can not find it by googling my name (i always google people when I am bored). If I am honest, I fear people finding out..I so admire everyone who is open about this because I think it is an amazing thing to do, but for me for now, I just don't want to be under the microscope when I feel like I always have been/are..Regardless, I can not let this keep me awake!!

so, around 4:15ish, I got up and started trying on some clothes as I clean out my closet (more about that in another post) and try to see what doesn't fit anymore...so, after a few try ons, I decided I had to try to sleep..I started reading blogs (and went back on several) until about 5am. I then decided I should just stay up until 5:30 and go to the gym but then I passed out about 5:15..ended up waking up late around 7 but somehow made it in time for work..

food wise, I had iced coffee around 8am..then had yogurt around 9:30. around 10:45 i was hungry so had about 10 baked lays..for lunch, I had a turkey burger...I did very well and ate very slowly and over about 1 hour..i ate the entire thing but I was hungry and felt ok about it because it was protein and i wanted it. had about 8 sweet potato fries with it. then, abround 1:45, I was craving something sweet and got maybe 1/4 cup of fro yo at the cafe...then around 2:30..i had half of a cupcake...mindless/lazy/wanted it...only to feel guilty about 5 mins, only to go back and have another 1/2 around 4pm!!! for dinner, I had a personal size thin crust pizza...i ate the whole thing but was very slow (over an hour)..i think i had about 1/4 too much as I sit now...ok, enough rambling but I needed to skip that cupcake! the pizza (assuming i ate only 1/2 ) I am ok with but I ate too much...tomorrow though is another day...reading Gilly's amazing accomplishment of almost reaching 100 is so amazing and an example for me!!

Hope everyone had a good monday and exciting that the women in FL were able to meet!

What a great support system....emotional eating...and down 60

A couple of themes/thoughts all in one post...

First off, thank you so much for your very sweet comments..I genuinely, really appreciate it. I realized as I re-read my post that I am hard on myself and need to look at the positives versus negatives (easier said than done), but I do see progress and there is no where to go but down! And you all were very kind with your compliments...always nice to feel good..Thanks again for your support..what an amazing support system this blog has been and the blogging community and followers (my wonderful family and friends.)..support in that I can vent during the tough times, celebrate the good times and victories, ask for advice, etc. this has been the best, but also one of the toughest decisions that I have made and this blog has become a very important part of my journey..and to have it as a memory...Just thank you again so much...

On Thursday night I had what I would consider the biggest bout with emotional eating that I think I have had since the surgery..I have had many instances with emotional eating post band but this was the first time where I literally thought to myself "i wish i didn't have this band so I could just eat, eat eat to feel better and forget."..Not worth going into what got me there, but such a wakeup moment to realize those feelings and that I have coped with my emotions that way so often in the past...one of the main reasons I got here. I was having some spaghetti (surprisingly, if I eat slowly, it does fine)..I got some delivery and it literally lasted me for three meals..this is a serving i would have eaten in the old days in one sitting plus an appetizer..ok, back to my emotional eating. As I was thinking I was i could eat whatever I wanted, I realized that I couldn't. I did eat a bit more than I was hungry for sure (i.e. 2 skinny cow ice creams and a 100 calorie pack of doritos) but thank God for the band to help me through this challenge. now, is the band the answer, no. But, it helped me that night because I did not want to face the physical ramifications of trying to overeat, and it got me to the next morning, where as I was walking down my apartment steps to work, I thought to myself "did I really feel that way? " It was an acknowledgement/awareness of how destructive that behavior is and how I couldn't believe I engaged in it for so long. the fact that for so long I tried to heal myself my sabotaging myself with food. it was a bit of an "aha" moment realizing that I don't want to do that anymore..band or not, it doesn't solve my problems, make me feel better in the long run. I think I will always battle the desire to eat to compensate for negative feelings but I think I reached a bit of a milestone for honestly recognizing that I don't WANT to eat to cope..that while dealing with my feelings are hard, it has to be done. this band has helped me in my emotional health as well so much...it was a tough Thursday night but a great feeling the next day when I thought about how I had felt and how I want to live my life going forward...

Despite a bit of a blip on Thursday, I am down 60 pounds as of this AM!!!! While I had a few blips, I in general have been pretty disciplined and have focused on protein generally. also, I am really noticing my portion sizes decreasing post my last fill..especially on vacation. I am able to eat most things (as long as it is slow) but also my desire for size is so much less...I am stll working on not eating too fast/pb'ing, but I am happy to report that I only had one real issue this week at work, which post my vacation incidents was definitely an improvement...I feel really good about being down 60 but I also want to gear up to keep focused and continue...

Thanks again for all your support, well wishes and encouragement. A special shout out to my "big bro" Brian...Brian is such a big force and support in this journey and has been my whole life..he loves the blog and is so encouraging of me posting and asks "where is my post."..Bri, thanks for your love and support and encouragement. Also, a welcome back to my "lil bro" Sean back from Europe!!! Missed him!

hope everyone has a great weekend!

Some progress pics

I have posted a few recent pics but someone asked me for some progress pics..I searched through some of my old pics to try to put together a montage...besides noting changes in hair color, eyebrows and crooked teeth (goodness I need to do better with keeping my highlights and eye brow waxes) - so hard to look at - I definitely do see some progress..if I am completely honest though, while I do see progress, I also feel like I should see more given the amount I have lost but I have to remember that I have a lot more to lose and that while the number is high, I started higher than many people..I wish I could just look at the positive but I am hard on myself and can't help it...and, I have decided that I really think I need invisalign for my teeth...also, apologies the formatting is off..not very reflective of my banking training...

PS - when I note "gaining weight" this is the last round of gaining weight where I really went over the edge..I have always been overweight..since I can remember..this was just the last bout where I got the largest I have ever been

Some progress pics..

I have posted a few recent pics but someone asked me for some progress pics..I searched through some of my old pics to try to put together a montage...besides noting changes in hair color, eyebrows and crooked teeth (goodness I need to do better with keeping my highlights and eye brow waxes) - so hard to look at - I definitely do see some progress..if I am completely honest though, while I do see progress, I also feel like I should see more given the amount I have lost but I have to remember that I have a lot more to lose and that while the number is high, I started higher than many people..I wish I could just look at the positive but I am hard on myself and can't help it...and, I have decided that I really think I need invisalign for my teeth...also, apologies the formatting is off..not very reflective of my banking training...

Update post vaca

Well it is back to the grind...wishing I was still on vaca...Mom and I had a wonderful time and I really just had an overall wonderful trip. While I still have a long way to go on my journey, I just feel better..I feel more like myself..back to a positive outlook and enjoying being around people and doing things..i can only imagine how I will feel as I continue and dare I say, reach my goal?

So I already provided some highlights from my trip (telling my friend, getting some compliments, etc.)..here are the additional highlights:

*Mom and I had the greatest time...we really didn't do too much but just laughed and relaxed..we napped, shopped, went to two nice dinners, did some night swimming, etc. Food wise, I think I did pretty well...I definitely didn't overeat and had some good practice for eating slow and chewing..only had one major stuck/pbing/throwing up issue...I indulged a bit in certain foods but my portions were good..I overall felt good about my eating..and my Mom could not be more supportive..I am so lucky. Also got a few cute things shopping (nothing major) but I am finding myself enjoying shopping more again

*After being in Miami (Sun night to Friday afternoon), I flew to another part of Florida (we were near Seaside) for one of my best friend's from high school (childhood actually) bachelorette party. It was a mixture of her high school, college and Atlanta friends but luckily I know all of them and like most of them. My friend Mary was there (who knows my situation) so I was so happy to have part of my support system there. I overall had a GREAT time that weekend..partied a lot and just had lots of laughs. On the eating front, I did have some issues..Got in late Friday and was fine. Well on Sat AM, I woke up and they had lil quiches and muffins. I thought I would be fine with a quiche, avoiding the crust..well, No...I am finding with my recent restriction that I am not able to eat first thing after waking up. Definitely had to run right to the bathroom post trying to eat the quiche...then, at lunch, had similar issues. we had sandwich stuff and I just had the turkey and cheese as well as some pita chips with hummus..well, i think the chips did me in. I also felt like one of the girls was watching me a bit (a friend who lives in NY and has noticed my weight loss) but I am being paranoid I'm sure. anyways, held out but def had to rush to the bathroom then. So, I avoided things until dinner. I ordered a small side salad and one sushi roll (debated getting the crab cake, which I should have!). I did GREAT with the salad..slow, small bites and ate well..was starving. Well, the sushi was a No No...I didn't have to go to the bathroom but I was stuck. Luckily, mary asked for a bite of sushi. I gave her the signal and told her to "take more.." so, she helped deflect me not eating by putting sushi on her plate..again, I'm sure I'm paranoid. Well, luckily (or unluckily given my headache the next day), the food unstuck and I was able to drink at the bar and I had my dancing shoes on! Getting home at 3am, everyone made thin crust pizza..thought I would be fine..NOT! So, Saturday was NOT a good day...I know getting stuck/sliming/PB'ing will happen but I don't want to get used to it and would like to avoid at all cost..this is about learning a new lifestyle..

Being back at work is tough but luckily my boss is out so it has been fairly quiet..Last night I had a friend in town from Dallas wiht her husband and Mom so we went to dinner at David Burke, one of my faves, bc they are still doing restaurant week (3 courses for $35). I got the Burrata/Tomato appetizer (milkier mozzarella), Salmon for main course and some strawberry shortcake dessert (was to share with table). The app was great, no issues. For the main dish, the salmon was ok..a bit dry to be honest so I only had a few bites. had a few bites of my friends pasta with short ribs (and I mean small, one bite..). was tough so after a bite, I stopped. the main course was a bit tough but I didn't eat much so ok. Well, with dessert, it had a scoop of icecream and a lil cake. well stupid meghan had a bite of the lil cake and got stuck. to the bathroom i went..argh! As I write this, I realize it seems like a lot of going to the bathroom, and I don't want anyone to worry or think I am not taking this seriously (which I so am), but I want to be honest on this and have it as a forum and a bit of a confessional. Well, I think this adjustment really is the "sweet spot" but I am having to train myself and really learn/live the lessons. I will do it!

Looking towards the next goal (65 pounds by Sept 1st), it is going to be tough but I will continue to work towards it...I have to lose 8 more pounds by then..I know I am doing well but I know I have room for improvement..will just go for it! I really want to do this and am feeling motivated and would like to keep going!

Here are some picture highlights!
cheers to vaca!

my sweet friend MJ who was so loving and supportive when I told her..i love this pic!

Mom and I at the Beach!


Mary and I at the bachelorette party (note, a late night, sweaty shot post some intense dancing to Proud Mary!)

A quick vaca post...so happy I told my friend and feeling motivated

So happy to be on vaca! I left NYC thursday night and flew home to ATL. Was in ATL hanging out with friends and family and am now in Miami with my Mom until Friday...a few highlights from the trip so far:

After thinking about it for a long time/wanting to tell her, I told my friend MJ on Friday about my band. She is only the third friend to know and someone that I wanted to know because she is such a wonderful person and friend..so supportive, so loving and I trust her...I am not planning on telling people one by one but she is someone I always wanted to tell and was finally able to see in person. Well, she could not have been more wonderful, loving, sweet and supportive. She was so happy for me, so supportive and loving. she was glad that I was feeling more like myselfI felt guilty about not telling her and she was telling me that I really have to rid myself of false guilt..also, she was very supportive and encouraging that this is my journey and if I don't want to tell people, it is not lying or being dishonest, even to my best friends. I just felt such joy, love and support after our conversation and she sent me the most beautiful email I will always treasure..I am excited to have another person on this journey with me..the prayers, love and support mean so much to me..

I also saw many of my best friends from High School who I hadn't seen since March. I got many compliments that I "looked great." it is funny bc I was feeling like no one noticed, then two of my closest friends (happened to be guys), leaned over and asked if I had lost weight. I know they still feel uncomfortable and don't want to embarrass me by asking but they both had noticed independently that I lost weight. in addition, one of their fiance's was raving about it and noticed I had lost "a lot" of weight. It was nice to feel the love and that people can actually tell a difference! Also, I just had a really great time!

Happy to finally be on vaca...we had a bit of drama with the rooms as they put us in the WORST room and I am not splurging on the hotel on my vaca (which i did a lot of research for) to not be happy with the room..but, got settled in a new room today. today we had bfast, got pedicures, and relaxed...this week will be just relaxing with pool and shopping, some beach. weather forecast is not great but hope it will get better...

On the band front, I think I am near perfect restriction! I was very good/strict on liquids Wed and Thurs and then mushies fri/sat. I can DEF tell I am restricted and I am having to eat very, very slowly. I am still making very good choices for the most part, which is important. I haven't had any real issues until Tonight, which was les mis. My mom and I ordered food in our room and I got a kid's size cheeseburger. well, while we were waiting, I had a few goldfish. then, I took my medicine with a big gulp of a drink..then, my medicine came up. i must have been a bit stuck and then I just could not keep anything down..so uncomfortable. I ended up having a shake with 150 cals and being able to eat about 3 bites of my burger...it just kind of reinforces that I must always think while eating. I am very aware, working on being slow, etc. but it is a bit of a reminder...I am very motivated though and will get this!

On a positive front, I went to the gym today! My goal is to go every day while I am here..i have no excuse of work or lack of time! my mom was taking a nap and I made myself go (and then I took a nap)...I did the elliptical machine for 33 minutes and then about 30 mins of pilates..felt good and I was proud of myself. I also weighed myself today and looking good (obviously on a different scale, so never know) but I am going to weight myself every day on that scale so I stay on track..

ok, falling asleep now. I have been cranky today my Mom says, so I better get some rest...thanks for the continued support and prayers..

-Meghan

PS - thanks to Kerri for nominating me for an award..I have to do a bit of work on my end to find new bloggers so likely going to have to wait on that post till I get back..

I'm getting back on track..

Oh how miserable it was to read my last post..not only how I felt but also the grammar/misspellings! painful! but, I'm glad that I got everything "on paper" so that I was accountable. it was not a fun post to re-read, thats for sure. So, today was a much better day. Last night, I made the decision that I was going to get back on track..to the point where I woke up about four times during the night, excited about stepping on the scale again (and even contemplating getting on during the night). To be perfectly honest, I was scared about getting on..really scared. i knew I had gained about 2 pounds from my low but was concerned because I really had no gauge of how many calories I had been eating..well, not as bad as I thought and I was only up one pound from my low. I left feeling positive, which I think is half the battle.

I had an omelette for breakfast and definitely ate the entire thing..I just think I shouldn't be that hungry. by 1pm, my stomach was growling and I got a kids size qdoba salad (only bad thing is a lil cheese and guac and I don't know how their meat is prepared). had 140 calories of smart puffs as a snack and then had about 1 scoop of chicken salad and 6 saltines for dinner..again, got to a point where my stomach was growling..any bandster pros, is that normal? should it be growling? (recognizing if i never ate it would growl). My day was not a home run but was a victory after failing over the last several days. Also, I spoke to my Mom, who had a tough day at work, and her courage and determination in what she is dealing with inspired me that I can do this...i can be brave like her. I really think just getting down another five will be a bit of a psychological breakthrough for me and I can go from there..I better get into it and competitive (when I say competitive, I mean with myself, not others) because I have a goal of losing 15 pounds by September 1...will probably be tough but I will just try my best. It is nice to feel motivated again..

Two NSVs today though...I tried putting on one of my suits this morning for work, but it was just too big to wear..the type of too big where even if you roll up the pants once it looks like you have flaps hanging off the side of your pants. Granted, it was a suit that I bought at my heaviest when I was popping out of other things, but regardless..on the clothes front, I have seen other people's posts about giving away clothes. I am hopefully going to be going through some things soon and have some things (including that Anne Klein suit) to give away..The other NSV was a woman at work came up to me randomly and asked me bluntly "what's different?" I was caught off guard because I thought she was asking something about work. She was loud in front of my whole team, but I quietly told her I had lost weight. She said that she was not the type of person who noticed anything but that she noticed yesterday and thought that I looked "really great." Always nice to get a bit of a lift when you are trying to remotivate.

As I look forward to this week, I am actually headed on Vaca Thursday evening. I will be home for a few days, then Miami with my best friend (aka my Mom) and then a bachelorette party...am excited to get a break and really looking forward to having me time and getting some excercise. I have no excuse and I am hoping that the motivation I feel now will continue. It will be interesting though because this is a relaxing vacation, and this will be the first one where the food was not a highlight/entertainment/focus...it will be a good challenge and one that I am ready for. I am just excited to see family, friends and get away (though will miss seeing my brothers).

Oh, and I'm going back in tomorrow for a possible tweak on my fill...I have had this appt scheduled for about 1.5 months so I figured I should go as I think that I could use just a little bit more, and I'm concerned that I could have hurt/affected my fill by not following the mushies/liquids days perfectly? does anyone know? perhaps I'm being overly dramatic. It is a fine balance because while I definitely notice more restriction and forcing me to eat slow (by many pb's/sliming, which i don't like) but think maybe just a bit more. Especially as I try to kick it into high gear..

also, contemplating telling one of my friends this weekend..this would be the third friend I tell. She is one of my college girlfriends and she is very loving and supportive and I think she could help me through this journey. I also think it would help to have someone know what I am going through when I go to my bi annual college girls weekend...we will see, but I'm definitely considering it..it is still so hard for me to think about and an emotional step..I realize it shouldn't be, but it is...we will see..

ok, i have rambled enough but hopefully this was a more positive post and easier to read without all the typos! Thanks for the continued support.

First mobile post... And need to vent and restart

This is my first mobile post... I have bit done well this week... Food wise or blogging. I had my fill on wed, which went well. Had a shake that night and was good. From then on, I did not do great. I did not follow liquids for 24 hours and my mushies might have pushed the "mush" definition. I could use excuses such as my client lunch, busy, wrst day of work on Friday, tc. But bottom line is I have really filed myself the past four days. This weekend I drove my grandma to waltham Massachusetts to visit my great aunt, her sister n law, who is in a nursing home. I was happy to do it but this week was just so exhausting. I found myself thinking about food a lot, wanting food... Some of the old feelings. I found myself mindlessly eating a bit and wasn't 100% concious. Now, I didn't go binge or anything, but I found myself eating a bit too much, or snacking... Tonight for instance, I had a pretty full dinner (some salad and two meatballs) and I then had a bag of smart puffs.. Now my stomach hurts...argh!! Why!!! I think too much work, exhaustion and missing some of my medicine has really thrown me off. I have started to feel myself again and somewhat comfortable (the comfortable fat girl) but I don't want to get comfortable.. Given this Amount of weight loss has been my ending point in the past before regaining the weight.. I'm not worried about gaining but I am worried about stopping... And I have such a long way to go... I know I can do it, I just need to refocus and not give up. This week, my goal is to refocus on myself and put everything second. I want threally think and get competitive again.... Ok, enough of my rant but I have now "put it on paper" that I have done poorly over the last severaldays, have gained approximately 2 pounds since my 50 low and need to kick into gear... I guess this blog is a good way to stay accountable... Hopefully I will have better news next post. And be at a co
outer to be able to post on blogs ( at my grandma's house and her Internet isn't working )...