What a great weekend...and I'm feeling better!

I think I'm back...I am feeling a TON better than I was, am re-motivated and looking forward to my fill on Wed! I am slowly really trying to come to terms with my emotions and feelings..I'm trying to separate any emotion from food, whether happiness, sadness, loneliness, etc. I started a book called "Women, Food and God" and it speaks to this point..it talks about how when you numb your emotions/feelings with food, you are also cutting yourself off from the love of God and the life that was created for you. While I know this will be a continual battle, I am feeling good!




This weekend was SOOO fun...went to a friend's house who I have known since childhood...we hadn't seen each other for almost 2 years but we talk a lot so it feels like i just saw her. it was at her parent's house and I love them so I was very at home! this is one of my best friends and I have gone through a lot of weight losses with her..she has struggled with her weight (but much less so than me..not even near it) and it is something we have dealt with and talked about a lot..she helped me get back to the gym and gave me a workout program..my goal is 3 times a week starting out...that is doable and I'm going to do it. we also talked about a diet plan..I'm really going to start counting my calories closely..I can make it fun and it will help my progress...Now, I did not tell her about the band...I feel so so guilty, and I'm not sure why I didn't tell her, but I didn't. I trust her and we have shared so much, but I just didn't tell her...I almost feel like maybe I would disappoint her because we have lost weight together a lot...i don't know..i know my feelings are not right or probably fair to her but I just didn't do it. On the eating side, I did pretty well..not great, but I definitely did watch what I ate, didn't mindless eat, etc. DEF a lot of room for improvement, but I can do it!!! On the weekend we went swimming (day and night swimming..divine!), played tennis, went to lunch, went to dinner, went for a day on the boat, cocktails, dancing, of course I sang at one of the bars..it was SOO fun!!! i really had a wonderful time and her parent's house is Amazing....We also talked about going to Italy next year for vaca...I'm all in!! DYIng to go and I think it will be a blast to go together and we will do well together!




So, on the food front, I am going to start journaling daily, eating slowly and going back to band protocol..the fill on Wed I think will really be a wake up call, and I need it! I also have been thinking about some goals for myself that I am going to post on the side of the blog...these will likely be updated but is something that will help remind me why i am doing this..

love to you all...thanks especially to Mar for our great talk tonight...i appreciate you so much...

PS..good luck to Bri on his studying!

love - MLM

I'm back...

Sorry for being absent...I have to be honest that I have not been feeling very well physically, mentally and emotionally. Work has been very stressful and I have not been able to focus on my eating like I want to. I honestly wish I could take a break from work and really just focus on this new challenge, work out, etc..but Alas, real life sets in. After a great session with my therapist tonight (thank you SJH if you are reading this), I realized that I am doing ok and this is a journey, I am too hard on myself and have made progress. Rather than rant about my frustrations with work, personal stuff, etc. I am going to try to look forward that tomorrow is a new day and another opportunity..I'm trying to tone out the negative (easier said than done...) I have lost some of my best practices eating wise this week and need to refocus, take a break from work and focus on how/what I'm eating. I have been pretty healthy, no major screw ups, but I have to remember to combat any head/emotional hunger...ok, i need to get some sleep..this post has been pretty unexciting, but it will get me back in the groove..I am going to try to make them a bit more exciting...for now, I just have to try to stay positive...

Feeling down and out...but re-motivating and getting my fight back..

The past two days have not been great..at all...I have not been thinking about my food choices properly (a result of not bringing my lunch/being prepared) and I have been eating too much I think in terms of calories..I haven't really been overeating but I have been eating more than I think I need...I just really have to remember that soo much of this is a mind struggle...I have been feeling a bit blue, thinking about how I have so much weight to lose (too much pride to post the actual numbers) and it will take forever but then I just found/read another woman's blog (she lives in NYC!) and she lost 100 lbs in one year...ONE YEAR!! (her blog is http://jennyr1222.blogspot.com/)...how amazing is that!! it was a lil reminder, a lil light at the end of the tunnel telling me not to give up, that I can to it. Every decision I make is important and one that will affect whether I achieve my goals..as such, I'm going to create a list of goals as well as milestones weight wise that I would like to achieve. I'm too tired and delirious to do now (I was so inspired by jennifer's blog I just couldn't stop reading), but it is something that I will do...tomorrow, I"m going to bring my lunch and I'm going to listen and be aware...of what, how, when, how much, etc...I feel like I am quickly slipping into old habits..less food wise, but more so into meeting up with people after work, feeling pressure to go out on weekends..while I know it is important for me to be social, the 2ish plus weeks with the surgery where I was a bit isolated and only focused on me and my new lifestyle were when I was the most successful..I think I am going to have to put a bit more selfishness into my schedule just for now...i think it is just what I need..but, the social butterfly in me does not like this...

ok, I better go to sleep if I will be even somewhat productive tomorrow (today, i would give myself a 1 out of 10 for actual productivity and a 5 out of 10 for faking productivity.....

PS, thanks to Jennifer and Catherine55 who have helped me so much already and they don't even know it!

PPS ...my wonderful brother Brian sent me a Magic Bullet Blender and guide book for eating after weight loss surgery...how SWEEETTT and I am soooo excited! i am a lucky girl to have such great brothers, parents and friends...

It isn't easy...

So, I had a nice weekend...very uneventful, but nice. Went to a late dinner on Friday with a friend and her friend (food wise I did well) and then met up with NIki on Saturday for her last dress fitting (beautiful) and to get my bridesmaid dress fitted. then ran a bunch of errands. The rest of the weekend I literally just relaxed, slept, etc...didn't do anything but it was nice..

Food wise, I did ok but I have been very hungry...i think part of it is being hungry and the other part of it is fighting old habits of using food for entertainment or to fill other emotional voids...Part of this process is trying to learn the difference and fight the emotional/mindless hunger..The band obviously helps physically fight some of the emotional eating but it is also something I have to fight. Aside from mindless eating, I have been fighting hunger pains...my stomach growling (something I am not used to)...and sometimes this is after I have eaten what I thought was sufficient..I have to remember it is a process...in addition, It is sick/sad to say, but I miss food somewhat...it was something I looked forward to, thought about, etc...it is disgusting to even type/read, but if I am being truthful...it is hard.

But, i am not happy to say I have not seen the scale really budge...a tough thing to deal with given the progress I had prior. I have read other blogs/forums and people have said you will hit plateaus and to stay positive..when I think back on my eating I have done pretty well (needless to say very small portions)..I think i will need to though think a bit more about everything I put in my mouth and focus on protein as much as possible (which is a bit harder in the mushie phase)..

So, not feeling as invigorated or pumped as I have been but I will forge on...

An Update...my first run in with the band, post-op appointment and client's charity event

Catching up for the last several days since I have been out of town..

So, after my first good day at work, I went back on Tuesday. All was good eating wise, breakfast and lunch, that is until....Dinner...Tuesday was very busy and I knew I was going to have to work late to get some drafts going for my team before I was out. So, I ordered dinner...I was craving egg salad, so I ordered an egg salad sandwich sans the bread. I also decided I would have a bite of mashed potatoes (and only have a few bites). So, once my food arrived, I decided I would have a few bites of potatoes first (in retrospect, not only did I not make the best food choices, but I also should have started the protien first!). I have been practicing my eating rules, so I don't drink while i eat. As i slowly took a few bites of mashies, someone called and then someone else started asking questions. as I was looking through my emails and asnwering the questions, I fell into old habits..I was taking bites of potatoes and not thinking..last thing I remember is taking a sip of my drink...all of a sudden...I felt like I was going to vomit..I got up quickly and ran to the bathroom and threw up a little (only the drink i had just had)..this is what they call "PB-ing" or as my Surgeon said "throwing up in your mouth." Needless to say it was such an unpleasant feeling and I was so upset. It was not something I was cognizant of or a choice to go against the program...From there on, I had this "stuck feeling" where it felt like the food was stuck and it was very uncomfortable. Needless to say it was emotionally upsetting too and I got distracted and didn't leave work until 12:30 that night. In addition to being uncomfortable physically, I was also very worried that I had hurt my band somehow...I was very glad that my post-op appointment was the next day...It was a wake up call though that it is easy to slip up..stop being cognizant...and it is something that reminds me that I must make a change...and it is so important

So..the next morning I went to my post-op appointment. While I was waiting I wrote down all my questions, concerns, etc. It was a pretty long list and as I was talking with my surgeon, I could tell I was coming off very paranoid. I told my doctor about the situation and she said that while it is not exciting and she doesn't tell most people this, but people in my type of job might be best off having soup or protien shakes when eating at work..and I think she has a good point...in addition, perhaps it is something where I need to just bring my dinner..it means a lot more planning...so, my post op appt went well and I had my questions answered...My Dr. said I should have liquids for the next day to help relieve my discomfort. Also got a note for the plane so I could bring on liquids (i had my protien shakes with me).. Also, my incisions looked good. ..most exciting, I was down 35 pounds from when I weighed in January at the office...it has been tough because i have been on different scales but this was a same scale..so, i think 35 from January and ~27 from start of the pre-surgery diet.

So, i had prepped for this trip per my previous posts and was happy to have my note and protien shakes. well, that was until i got to security and the guy told me I couldn't take anything through and that "a lot of people have notes." I then started to cry (was tired and a bit emotional) and the guy said "crying won't help you." What an Ass..he finally let me bring in two of my four but it was still unpleasant..once I got on the plane, big NSV..the Seatbelt fit comfortably on and I had room to spare!!woo hoo. that was definitely a good feeling...and, I slept the whole flight and felt better when I arrived, so i was happy. Once I got to the hotel, I ordered soup from room service so I could eat before the event that night..as I'm eating the soup in this beautiful hotel, I lean over to pick something up and...sooo embarrasing I could die..the chair broke...now while I was embarrased and mortified (more so writing on this than when it happened) I think my victories and decision to start this new life enabled me not too cry (a huge NSV..still very upsetting but I have to move forward). I just have to think it was a crappy chair becase I have never broke one in my life! Also, the soup didn't sit very well so unfortunately it didn't fill me up before the event.

So, I got ready for the charity event and off we went. I decided not to drink at the event so just had water. the event was actually really cool because it was in the new Cowboys Stadium and the tables were set up on the field..I sat on the 45 yard line! So when I got there, I asked if they could serve some soup but they said it would be an hour so I said don't worry about it (i had called earlier for help on what they were serving, to no avail..). So, first course was a salad..it had about 4 cherry tomatoes, cucumbers and lettuce. I had about two grape tomatoes and a few bites of cucumber with dressing on it to help. and, i took very small points and didn't drink with it. for the main course, it was a split plate of steak and flaky white fish (wooo hoo..ideal for a banded person!). they also had twice baked potatoes and veggies. I had about 1/4 of the fish, several bites of the mashies and a piece of veggies..again, all very slow and small bites..by the end, it still looked I had barely ate, but I was satisfied. the dessert trio came and I had a lil whipped cream which was good...so, a BIG SUCCESS!!! I was very happy!!! That night I had a glass of wine back at the hotel with my colleagues (half a glass) and it was good. Today, I got up and went to a breakfast and had some eggs with salsa and a few bites of potato...overall a good trip, but I was tired. Once back in NY, I ended up having to eat at work again tonight..but, this time I was prepared. I ordered grilled fish and a side salad. I had the two cherry tomatoes, a lil cucumber and three pieces of lettuce cuts into pieces with dressing..then had about half of the fish..i ate very slow, took small bites and it was delish..I' proud of myself..I came back from it..

The experience also gave me confidence about having to eat out...while I am really working on not going out to dinner/ordering, I know I can get through it. I'm supposed to go to dinner with a group of girls tomorrow night and I am going to be fine..I will eat a lil bit and be fine! Other than that, I am planning on relaxing, finalizing my fitting for my bridesmaid dress for Niki's wedding and hopefully get a lil facial..woo hoo!!!

thanks for the continued love, support and prayers..

First Day at work...a success

I'm going to keep this short because I'm so tired from getting three hours of sleep last night (had trouble sleeping again!)...so, work went well today! It was hard to get up, but I did it, was on time (a huge victory as of late) and brought my food for the day. In terms of clothes, I was able to fit into a pair of pants that have been too tight to wear, so that was a good lil victory..

In terms of work, it was business as usual..hectic and busy. Everyone asked me where I was.."where did you go on vacation." my reply "i didn't go on vacation, just took some time to relax and renew..was at my Gma's in Long Island..lived the life of an 88 year old!"...my buddy at work (who knew i was having some "issues") said last week everyone was asking about me. He said when people asked if I was on vacation, he said "no, she is just taking some personal time." he said some people stopped at that, others said "where is she, everything ok?" (everyone is sooo nosy! ). my buddy said "i don't know, i think home, not sure.." so, it was a good cover, as I am fully planning on taking vacation in the summer and at Christmas time like usual. As I have to remember though, my boss has been fantastic..she was asking me how I was, told me to take it easy, leave early (i.e. 6:30ish..haha..love how that is "early" in Banking).

In terms of work, i think my brain was mush (as Sean noted, like my food! hahaha). I had trouble thinking clearly and was definitely slow..hopefully just bc I am tired and first day back...I'm going to have to pick it up or I will be left in the dust...

So, in terms of eating, I did very well (planned everything) but I was VERY hungry...again, I know I have no fill but I was surprised my stomach was growling...something I can talk to the Dr about on Wed (my post op appt..a few days late). I had Chobani yogurt for breakfast (Blueberry flavored, 140 cals)...i then had my one cup of chili mush around 12:30. by 3pm i was starved, so at 3:30 pm I had a snack pack of cottage cheese (90 cals). I got home around 9pm tonight and was famished...I made some tuna with light mayo (light on the mayo, unlike my mom/dad's tuna style..haha)..i was still hungry so had a cup of chili..I am not super full, but satisfied..BUT i know I shouldn't have had both...I will need to consult the doctor because I still am pretty sure I had under 1000 calories today (hard to measure exact chili measurements)...but, did good with the time rules of eating and not drinking during..I also was good about drinking water! woo hoo!

so tomorrow is day #2 so hopefully will be a bit more "with it." On another note, I am traveling to Dallas on Wed after my morning appts with the doctor. Have to attend a charity event that one of my clients is sponsoring that evening. then I have to go to a Breakfast with the CEO the next morning..problem is that given time changes and long flghts, I am out of the office all Wed and Thurs..tough after being out, but it is a client event..my boss was great though and told me not to go if I wasn't up to it, but I honestly think I am up for it. challenge is it is a sit down dinner that night...I am just hoping they have mashed potatoes (they have to, right???)..I figure I can just move around the other food, cut some of the meat, etc. I will probably look anorexic, but will do my best. I don't want to drink yet (will drink again at Niki's wedding in 2 weeks..wooo hoo! in moderation of course...). I think I am going to ask the Dr. for a Doctor's note to bring liquids on the plane and am going to bring two ensure shakes...one for dinner wed and bfast thurs. i am going to bring my lunch with me on Wed to the doctors office and eat in the car...not ideal, but will make it work.

on the subject of this Dallas trip, it is cocktail attire...why oh why!!! i went last year and wore a plain black dress...totally professional but could also be cocktailish (super conservative)..well, it is way too tight so I stopped at Macys after work and super shopped...Now, the prob is that they had nothing that was good...besides not wanting to waste money on something I really don't like, it will also hopefully be too big..since I was there, I bought a few dresses for Niki's rehearsal dinner...some i had tried on a few weeks ago..and in most, i was down a size...woo hoo!! that is a NSV (non scale victory.."band lingo" so, because I was exhausted and so good at returning, I bought 10 dresses (different styles and sizes) with most for Niki's rehearsal and two for the cocktail party. regardless of which dress I wear, I am going to wear a cardigan so I don't expose everyone to my fatso arms (hopefully soon to be not as fatso arms...)...anyways, it was a good feeling in the dressing room except nothing perfect for dallas..oh well, will make it work!

ok, probably enough babbling from me...I'm not sure what is so interesting about this, but it seems that people enjoy reading it, so I will continue..plus, it will be good to have as a memory..plus, it is easier for me to be open typing sometimes than talking..I'm much better at helping others than asking for help...

thanks for the continued support and love..MLM

PS - my Dad made the chili today and RAVED!! woo hoo!! hopefully mom likes it!
PPS - I decided today I am going to Florida (Marco Island) for Memorial Day..going to the Shades with Lindsay...excited to get away and more importantly i haven't seen Lindsay in forever..
PPPS - love how I "kept it short"
Finally, hope Mary is having a great time in Greece and yay for Niki's almost wedding! and, i have fixed the settings so you can post comments (some had said they tried and it didn't show..it should now)

First Recipe Post...Turkey Chili

So, given the new mushies phase I thought it was a good time to make some chili to puree. I went to an old standby that I love and had a lot when I was on WW...it is a chili that is hearty, filling, flavorful and very importantly, very easy to make for the non cook that I am...Here is a snapshot of it but I must note that I tend to adjust as I go along..


The ingredients are:
99% Fat Free Ground Turkey
Can of Low Sodium Black Beans
Can of Low Sodium Kidney Beans
Can of Diced Tomatoes
Can of Diced Green Chiles
Can of Low Sodium Tomato sauce (i.e. Heinz, not spaghetti sauce)
One Package of Chili Seasoning
One package of Hidden Valley Ranch Dip Mix
1-2 Squash
1-2 Zuchinni
1-2 Peppers (I use red, yellow or orange)
low sodium beef broth or some water to thin out and/or tomato paste to thicken
a bit of splenda to taste

All you have to do is brown the meat and dice the veggies.. and then throw it all together in a pot and cook...it is so easy and pretty healthy!! Given I am in the mushy stage, I then put it through the blender to puree..I'm a bit worried it might be too chunky with the meat in it but I think it is ok...I then portioned it into one cup servings for my dinner (delish) and for lunch and dinners this week...

First Recipe...my Favorite Chili

Now this is a recipe that was a "go to" during my WW journey..I really enjoy it, find it flavorful and filling, and it is SO easy. I am not a gourmet cook or really much of a cook for that matter, but I love making this..it is all a little trial and error but the main ingredients:
package of 99% fat free ground turkey
can of low sodium black beans
can of low sodium kidney beans
can of diced tomatoes
can of green chilis
zuchinni (1-2) cut in pieces
yellow squash (1-2) cut in peices
red pepper (1-2) cut in pieces
low sodium tomato sauce (i.e. Heinz..not spaghetti sauce)
low sodium beef broth or water to add a bit of liquid to it..

On to the Mushies!!!

Soooooo, I am on to the Mushies!!! Wooo hoooo! Now, I am technically not onto the mushies until tomorrow (following 10 days of the liquid diet), but I decided to do my first mushie tonight because I wanted to make sure that I didn't have any issues at work. I had a cup of pureed (aka blended) chili that I made (see next post). I served myself a cup of it and started my good eating practice (eating 1/2 to 1 cup of food in a meal, having each meal last 20 minutes, chew all food until it liquifies in your mouth before swallowing, take small bites, wait 60 seconds between each bite, no drinking 5 minutes before eating a meal and 20 minutes after finishing a meal..these are the main ones). Now, I can't say that I did it all perfect (i need to work on the time between bites and size of bites), but I did follow the drinking rules, chewing and having the meal last 20 minutes. It is pretty easy to "cheat" if one wants during the pureed phase because things go down so easily and are not solid food. But, I want to practice and follow all the rules to the best of my ability. Well, I think I did pretty well if I do say so myself! What I will note though is that I don't think I necessarily felt full..i'm still having trouble figuring out when I'm full to be honest..I keep wondering is the band working? did it slip (things that can occur) but I think I am probably worrying myself for no reason, and as Gma would say, "stop worrying." It will continue to be an evolution of trying to figure out my body and new lifestyle. Regardless, there is a psychological element that is present too. But, I have to admit that as I was cutting veggies, without even thinking, I took a bite of squash..this was not pureed and i didn't chew like I should have..I literally completely forgot until I swallowed it and I almost lost it...I'm a bit nervous that I was able to swallow it and then did I hurt my band...back to Gma in my head, stop worrying..

So, I go back to work tomorrow...to say I am sad about it is an understatement..but, my attitude will determine my altitude, so i'm trying to be positive! I am a bit nervous to be honest...will people notice I have lost weight (haven't weighed on my scale yet, but I'm pretty sure I have lost about 27 pounds since starting the liquid diet, 17 pre surgery and 10 post surgery..to be updated), will people notice the small portions that I am eating, how slow I am eating, etc. I have often eaten way too fast at work, not healthy choices and large portions...so, we will see...but, all I have to say is that I am working on a new lifestyle and trying to make changes (which is true!). Hopefully, the liquid phase/smaller portions will ease me in this process. Regardless, I have to remember this is about me...

on that note, my guilt about not telling certain people is killing me....there are many people that I feel bad about, ...but, what is really killing me is not telling two people...one is one of my closest friends from home who I tell everything and talk to at least 2-3 times a week...While we have shared everything, the one thing that I have never really shared with him is the burden of my weight...we have discussed it with regards to me being on a new program or him noticing I have lost weight, but we have never really talked about this as it is for me..such a burden and lifelong challenge..perhaps it is because it is so difficult for me to talk about in general..the elephant in the room..I really want to tell him and feel so horrible, but I just can't right now (and i honestly think the phone could be a big reason..it is very difficult to not be able to see reactions/faces..). My other friend is one of my best friends from college who I have shared soo much with and I just adore, admire and trust her. We had such a great talk and I told her how I had taken the last week for a rest/relaxation week to help put me on a healthier track and take care of me...I didn't lie but I also didn't reveal the whole truth...I felt guilty throughout the conversation but at the same time, I was envigorated by her support and kind words for my new focus on me and healthy life style..Again, she is someone I want to tell and trust but I just don't want to do it over the phone..I think it is someone I will probably choose to tell when I see them because I think she could really help me on this journey...As I told Gma, right now it is about protecting myself...and perhaps, and I'm sure of it, i am not giving people enough credit because I know my friends love me and would support me, but I'm just not there yet...I will pray about it and hopefully I will have more comfort as time goes on..

thats all for now..thank you for the continued love, support and PRAYERS (please keep them coming)!