On to the Mushies!!!

Soooooo, I am on to the Mushies!!! Wooo hoooo! Now, I am technically not onto the mushies until tomorrow (following 10 days of the liquid diet), but I decided to do my first mushie tonight because I wanted to make sure that I didn't have any issues at work. I had a cup of pureed (aka blended) chili that I made (see next post). I served myself a cup of it and started my good eating practice (eating 1/2 to 1 cup of food in a meal, having each meal last 20 minutes, chew all food until it liquifies in your mouth before swallowing, take small bites, wait 60 seconds between each bite, no drinking 5 minutes before eating a meal and 20 minutes after finishing a meal..these are the main ones). Now, I can't say that I did it all perfect (i need to work on the time between bites and size of bites), but I did follow the drinking rules, chewing and having the meal last 20 minutes. It is pretty easy to "cheat" if one wants during the pureed phase because things go down so easily and are not solid food. But, I want to practice and follow all the rules to the best of my ability. Well, I think I did pretty well if I do say so myself! What I will note though is that I don't think I necessarily felt full..i'm still having trouble figuring out when I'm full to be honest..I keep wondering is the band working? did it slip (things that can occur) but I think I am probably worrying myself for no reason, and as Gma would say, "stop worrying." It will continue to be an evolution of trying to figure out my body and new lifestyle. Regardless, there is a psychological element that is present too. But, I have to admit that as I was cutting veggies, without even thinking, I took a bite of squash..this was not pureed and i didn't chew like I should have..I literally completely forgot until I swallowed it and I almost lost it...I'm a bit nervous that I was able to swallow it and then did I hurt my band...back to Gma in my head, stop worrying..

So, I go back to work tomorrow...to say I am sad about it is an understatement..but, my attitude will determine my altitude, so i'm trying to be positive! I am a bit nervous to be honest...will people notice I have lost weight (haven't weighed on my scale yet, but I'm pretty sure I have lost about 27 pounds since starting the liquid diet, 17 pre surgery and 10 post surgery..to be updated), will people notice the small portions that I am eating, how slow I am eating, etc. I have often eaten way too fast at work, not healthy choices and large portions...so, we will see...but, all I have to say is that I am working on a new lifestyle and trying to make changes (which is true!). Hopefully, the liquid phase/smaller portions will ease me in this process. Regardless, I have to remember this is about me...

on that note, my guilt about not telling certain people is killing me....there are many people that I feel bad about, ...but, what is really killing me is not telling two people...one is one of my closest friends from home who I tell everything and talk to at least 2-3 times a week...While we have shared everything, the one thing that I have never really shared with him is the burden of my weight...we have discussed it with regards to me being on a new program or him noticing I have lost weight, but we have never really talked about this as it is for me..such a burden and lifelong challenge..perhaps it is because it is so difficult for me to talk about in general..the elephant in the room..I really want to tell him and feel so horrible, but I just can't right now (and i honestly think the phone could be a big reason..it is very difficult to not be able to see reactions/faces..). My other friend is one of my best friends from college who I have shared soo much with and I just adore, admire and trust her. We had such a great talk and I told her how I had taken the last week for a rest/relaxation week to help put me on a healthier track and take care of me...I didn't lie but I also didn't reveal the whole truth...I felt guilty throughout the conversation but at the same time, I was envigorated by her support and kind words for my new focus on me and healthy life style..Again, she is someone I want to tell and trust but I just don't want to do it over the phone..I think it is someone I will probably choose to tell when I see them because I think she could really help me on this journey...As I told Gma, right now it is about protecting myself...and perhaps, and I'm sure of it, i am not giving people enough credit because I know my friends love me and would support me, but I'm just not there yet...I will pray about it and hopefully I will have more comfort as time goes on..

thats all for now..thank you for the continued love, support and PRAYERS (please keep them coming)!