Some bumpy waters...

A bit of an accountability, acknowledgement post..

So, I have not been doing awesome on the band front...On Mon and Tues AMs on my scale, I was down 65, my Sept 1 goal..i tend to require two days of the number on the scale for it to "count"..so, I updated my goal on the right side of my home page but was too tired to post about reaching the goal. Well, the next four days, including today, I have been higher than those numbers and my 65 down goal..I realize there is water weight and I am only 2 higher than the 65 down, but still I feel like I'm cheating a bit..hmm.I think I will wait to fully celebrate the 65...especially because I have not been doing great in band land/eating..I feel like I don't necessarily deserve to be down 65 as I have not had the "fight" in me recently..

I know this journey will have ups and downs, and I have experienced both, and I think I'm in a bit of a down. That said, this "down" is nothing like a previous down would be..where if I didn't have a good day, I would say screw it, I already ruined the day and just make it a blow out..I just in general have not been making as conscious food choices. I have been much better about chewing, eating slow and taking smaller bites, but I think I have been eating too much....even if over a slower period. and generally just not eating healthy enough. In addition, I have found myself indulging in a bit of emotional/head hunger..now, it is nothing like the past or overwhelming, but I am giving in a bit, which I have for the most part thus far, not done.

For instance, yesterday, I was getting a pedicure, right next to the grocery store..throughout much of the pedicure, I was thinking about food..what I would eat for dinner, what could I eat, how I wish I could just gorge.... It was a bit of a rough day/week and I have not been sleeping great...in addition, I think I am hormonal...Well, after I was done with my pedi, I decided to go get some sugar free carnation shakes bc I was out of them (mistake to enter the grocery store when tired, hungry and emotional)..well, they didn't have them. While I was at the store, all I could think about was I wanted ice cream and m&ms..well, I gave in and went to the aisle..but, I ended up with a mini cup skinny cow for 150 cals and only allowed myself one (bc I don't have enough will power if it is in my apt). Well, after that, I remembered i had these pretzel crisps in my apt that I loved, so I decided to see if I could get some cheese to go with them, thinking, I will just have a few. I ended up getting "pub cheese"..a spreadable, cream cheese like thing that had cheddar cheese, cream and jalapenos (i know it sounds gross ...even typing it).

Well, I proceed to go home and have my skinny cow...then, I ate Half of the container of cheese with pretzels..Veerrry slowly...I was hungry in the beginning but then I think I just let it go from there. The only thing that stopped me from finishing was that at the last minute I met my friend for dinner...she picked sushi..given I was not that hungry and had the pub cheese, I decided I wasn't going to really eat and told her I was just going to have one roll (and wasn't planning on eating it all) bc I ate a mini dinner...well, forget that, put sushi in front of me and I had about almost 2 rolls (that she ordered)...so then, we go to the movies (btw, if you like Chick Flicks, which I LOVE), I decide to get a coke..I have basically given up coke (i call any soda coke given I am from ATL) and only have one once in a while..well, I normally have always drank DC. at the movies, I decide to get a mix of DC/Cherry Coke...my friend got m&ms. Well, I think the guy screwed up and gave me all cherry coke..and the movie theatre's smalls are basically a large. so, i had a huge cherry coke and had about 30 m&ms...just mindless...I guess the first step is admitting..

So, after this not great week and horrible yesterday eating, I was not dying to jump on the scale today (most mornings, I am so excited to jump on and see how I have done) and I hate that I had that feeling...Amazingly, I was only 2 higher than my down 65 pounds number...amazing given all the food I ate..I don't want to give up, but I do want to get my fight back and keep going. I have done well so far and am proud of myself, but I have such a long way to go and fear getting too comfortable...so, I want to re motivate..after not sleeping well, I am not feeling motivated right now but I have acknowledged my mishaps and have made the decision I want to improve and get back on track (and i know sleeping well will help). I have dinner/lunch plans through Monday, but I think on Tues I might do a bit of a mini "cleanse" with some protein shakes, etc..I liked Grace's 5 day plan...anyways, am not going to let myself get down and out (and, the fact that I want to go shopping bc a lot of my clothes are big is a good sign and could be a motivating thing) but am glad I am airing my dirty laundry...hopefully, when I am near or at my goal and I look back on this journey, I can read this post/posts like these (because I know there will be more) and be proud that I forged onward versus previous losing attempts where it would all be over...plus, I threw out the pub cheese thank goodness..

On a more positive note, food aside, had a great time last night and am going to dinner and a show tonight and then the U.S. Open on Monday so will be a fun weekend..hope everyone else has a good one as well..