Here goes nothing...

So, I am sitting here watching Glee and trying to decide what to write. Per some recommendations and also reading some inspiring blogs, I have decided to give it a try. As my brother said, this will be a good way for me to document my journey. I don't love writing (or typing for that matter) and I don't think I am very good at it, but here goes nothing..

Part of me still can't believe I have gotten to this point...how did I let myself get so heavy..why did I do it? why didn't I try harder? what has kept me from achieving my goals? I am trying to push away the feelings of failure, and when I think about it, I know I am not a failure but these are my feelings, and I know I will have to continue to fight them...There are many reasons why I have gotten to this point..some I know (the pure physical nature of overeating, using food to cope, etc.) and other reasons I will continue to try to discover and deal with in new ways..

As I think about my life, I feel like I have accomplished everything I have wanted to do except my weight, love and having a family...I have worked very hard for what I have but my weight has always plagued me..in many ways I have compensated for my weight in everything I have done..perhaps it is one of the reasons that I always strived to be successful in other things/ways..because I didn't have the self assurance/confidence of my size/body, let alone a relationship and thus pushed myself in other ways...this is the one thing I have never conquered..I have tried, been victorious, but it has always come back..I am 28..nearing thirty..i don't want to look back another 10 years and wonder Why...

So, two nights before my surgery, I am excited, uncertain, anxious and scared...when I think about what could be, I am so excited about my future...what I could look like, how I could feel...I am also scared about the uncertainty of how will I do with the new eating, will I succeed...these are all unknowns, but as my Grandma would say "would you stop worrying! Put it in God's hands"

I have still decided not to tell most people...I have told my parents and Grandma (i started planning on telling only my mother and Grandma)..I eventually told my older brother a few weeks ago, told two of my friends (one home, one NY) and am hoping to tell my other brother tonight...I am still not at the point where I feel ready or comfortable to tell anyone else but the love and support I have received from those I have told I really appreciate. I know they will be very important going forward and they will for sure help me get through tough times...

So, while there are many reasons I am doing this, here is an overview of the major pro's/con's as I think about this surgery and what I am looking forward to/scared about..

Pros
*Overall health -- lower cholesterol, BMI, healthier heart, regular cycle, longer life, etc.
*feeling more comfortable --- feeling comfortable and proud when I walk in a room versus feeling insecure...
*accomplishment --- I have worked hard on my weight and would like to conquer it once and for all
*not having to obsess on my weight anymore
*being more comfortable on planes, trains, etc. -- has recently become a huge issue, concern and insecurity
*hopefully becoming more attractive to guys and will help me in meeting someone
*clothes ---need I say more? being able to shop where I want, wear more things, enjoy shopping with others, being able to share clothes, wearing high boots, designer jeans, etc....ahh, the list goes on and on with regards to clothes..
*not sweating as much...
*Not getting as winded doing things (going upstairs, walking, etc.)

Con's
*SURGERY -- I'm scared about the anaesthesia, recovery, pain, etc. (I don't know what I would do if my mother wasn't there..)
*The feeling of having something artificial in my body
*Failure
*being able to eat food I like, enjoy,
*sliming, throwing up
*that others will find out without me telling them and I will be self conscious and feel judged
*that I am regretful

As I wrote these, the pros were endless...the con's i had to think harder about...must be a sign...s, this was a good first start...wish me luck and prayers..God Bless this process...
-MLM