I'm sitting at Cosi, having just finished lunch (needed the wifi as I'm not getting internet installed until next Saturday!). I went to Pilates at noon, but I'm feeling very blah and tired (fatigue makes cowards of us all as Vince Lombardi would say). I just feel a bit lonely and down. I got great news yesterday afternoon that we got a mandate for a deal on Monday, which was big bc my boss has been on maternity leave and we were not supposed to get this deal rotation wise. of course now my boss is coming back on monday instead of later in the week, but oh well. It is great news, but it has just killed my weekend..trust me, I don't mind working hard but a 17 hour day on a Friday night plus constant bberry (e.g. waking up in a terror that something has come through in the middle of the night and I need to address it) and heading into the office in a bit. I know I need to stop complaining as I chose this profession and I get compensated well, but need to vent a bit.
Sometimes I look at my life and think what have I done and where I am going...I know my weight has been such a big part of that and also not meeting someone (which i think are highly correlated) and I know I have done a lot, had success and am so blessed (family, friends, health, work, etc) but i sometimes worry I am going to be alone forever...Also, am I always going to feel fat/overweight? even when I get to my goal weight, which right now feels so far away? am I going to have loose skin to remind me of being fat? I know I just have to push through and deal with that when I get there, but it worries me....also, what if I lose weight but don't meet someone? am I going to live my life alone? Can I find sufficient fulfillment elsewhere....do I want to do this job forever...
oh Lord, I am depressing myself writing this...especially when I know it is just fatigue getting the best of me. I am going to bite the bullet, go to work, listen to some good music and get it done and then take a nap! i'm supposed to go to dinner with a friend tonight but I'm iffy at the moment...we'll see...I'm tempted not to actually post this, but I guess it is good to remind myself I have good And Bad days....
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It's good you posted this - we all have these days. It seems like no matter what age or where you are in life the questions come up. I had a little mini breakdown the other day when I saw my butt in the mirror and thought I will ALWAYS be fat.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you will find someone,but you are focusing on liking yourself right now and that's a really important thing. I hope you can get some rest over the weekend. xoxoLinda
I am already starting to fear that I will put the weight back on! Look, you are ONLY 28 years old! You are far too young to be worrying about being alone. When the time is right, God will find someone for you. Maybe he is waiting until you lose all of or close to your goal weight to bring someone into your life. Take this time to pamper yourself and be healthy. Then when it is the right time, you will not have to be dealing with your weight quite so much. You are beautiful, smart and driven. Those are great qualities. I will keep you in my prayers!
ReplyDeleteDear MLM,
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed the supportive comments from Vickie and LInda. Linda you should know that your butt is beautiful especially since its yours. You may have butt admiration you don't even know about. Imagine that! I want to give you a sweet push about your tush. And Vickie is wise in knowing that its all about the journey, being healthy and spiritual depth. Of course your worried about the weight. It is just that feeling that will heighten your senses as you learn to trust yourself and what you've learned. And, taking time for yourself and that awareness you spoke of Megs. God has given you this time because its the best time. What of the endless possibilities? Oh the places you'll go and the people you'll meet - - on the journey.
I think you are totally right: the fatigue does not help breed positivity! I totally get where you are coming from. Kudos to you for keeping up with the working out, though!
ReplyDeleteMLM - I was 40 when I got married for the first time---see? you have plenty of time! And I swear I met him when I said to myself, "I'd like a partner, but I don't need a partner. Whatever happens, happens, but I'll be OK." That being said, when I had the "blahs" the other thoughts would come back. Hang in there and keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteWhen times are tough just know Kristen, Mallory, Dawn, Stacey, Mary Anne, Claudia, and Jesse are only one VCR click away..."say hello to your friends"
ReplyDelete