Christmas catchup

I have really been out of it blog wise lately..I have been reading here and there, but not doing a good job of commenting, or posting for that matter...

On the Christmas front, had a great holiday. seems like such a whirlwind and crazy that I have been home in Atlanta for a week now (leaving tomorrow)...the days leading up to Christmas were so busy and I feel like we were non stop. Good news is that my entire family was together for Christmas Eve and Christmas..not that we didn't have our ups/downs leading up and at different times, but in the end, the love and unity binded us together and we had a great time...My Gma was also down with us from NY (we flew down together) so that was extra great...we all adore her and dote on her. We continued our tradition of a big and nice Christmas Eve dinner at a steak house in town..we all contributed to the dinner, which was nice. Before the dinner we went to the Stt Regis for drinks, which was great...given things had been a bit tense, i had two glasses of champagne at the hotel..then another one at dinner..then red wine...um, I got a bit overserviced at dinner..apparently i was funny (I remember most of it, some a bit blur).. I def had a great time though and apparently was not too annoying, so that was good. On Christmas day, we did Mass, brunch and then did presents and a great dinner at home...have to say a bit relieved things are over but really enjoyed it..

so, on the band/eating front..over the last several weeks i have been SO tight and wondering if I needed a bit of an unfill..nothing in the AM but coffee and i was worried I was PB'ing too much. Come home, and the band is wide open! i mean, I still approach eating as if I am tight, but I have not eaten this much or without having issues..i mean I really have been ravenous and eating more than normal...ham, broccoli, salad, etc...to the point that I was worried something had slipped (wondering if it has and thinking i should get a check up)..but, this AM as I was waiting for my Mom at her Doctor's appt drinking starbucks, all of a sudden I slimed/threw up coffee...so fickle. Honestly, given how ravenous I have been and NOT making the best of choices (um, the ice cream has got to go), I hope to get a bit more tight...

I leave tomorrow to head back to the city before my big new years plans, which I am goign to post about tomorrow because it is that exciting it deserves its own post....for now, a few pics from Christmas..on the plane ride back tomorrow, going to think about some 2011 goals and I like this "word" plan...Hope everyone is recovering from the holidays and doing well.


The whole gang at the hotel before dinner


My biggest fans and the best parents a girl could ask for



BFFs...enough said..


Cheers!! I was not hurting for sure!


My wonderful, supportive and handsome bros!! (note, all gifts are usually the same, sometimes in contrasting colors..haha)

Self Sabotage needs to stop

This week has not been good eating wise...I think I am very hormonal right now, and while not a great excuse, it has definitely affected my mood, appetite and craving for sweets. I have just felt really down the last few days. besides being emotional, I am getting really concerned about my job given impending lay offs, am feeling upset/worried about my family being together for Christmas and how much I want everyone to be together, accidently letiting a friends secret slip, etc...to say I have been out of control eating this week is probably an understatement, but thank goodness for my band to help me put a stop to some of it. only because this is my accountability journal, I will say that I bought a roll of cookie dough...and over four days, i baked a few cookies each night and finished the roll. i want to kick myself as I type..how backward and old habits is that..embarrassing...how could I let myself lose 87 pounds only to try to sabotage myself. this is on top of pizza for dinner, nachos for lunch and many cookies and candy during the day at work for the holidays...these past two days are not ME because the new ME is putting herself first, thinking before eating and eating for hunger, not the mind or feelings....I have no where to go but up (in terms of improving, not gaining weight!) and I can and will do it. I will start now, not in a week like the old days...back to the focus...not a fun post, but needed and now I have been honest, despite some shame/embarrasment...I can do it.

Some victories/some things to work on...

I have been thinking about how I need to blog more, so thought I would evaluate where I am thus far...As I think about everything, there are some things I have done very well and other things I need to work on/do...I think it will be good to post about some of these (and some I have posted about before) to then look back and see if I improved on my "to dos."

In terms of some of the positives, first and foremost I have really worked on my emotional eating. Yes, the band has helped tremendously, but I have also found that I am now better recognizing my tendencies...while I still often have the urge to turn to food when sad, mad, bored, etc. I have made great strides in recognizing I am not really hungry and have found alternative ways to deal with them. I have definitely not conquered this, and not sure I ever will, but made huge strides. I have also done a good job of limiting my portion sizes; it took me awhile but I have definitely done this and become satisfied with less. I have also not given up despite some slip ups and plateaus..I still have a long road ahead, but I have kept motivated and positive. Also, for the most part. I also generally (not always) try to make decently healthy choices while not ever depriving myself of anything. These are what come to mind the most

In terms of to dos, EXERCISE, EXERCISE, EXERCISE...I could come up with many "valid" excuses as to why I have not done it, but I will not even dare. I know how important it is, on this journey and for my overall health, but I have not done it yet, not even a little. Pilates (which i would actually count as a positive) I do and love, but I need some cardio to get my blood pumping and to get my heart healthier. I know I will do it and will start to love it...soon I hope. The other big things for me are eating slower and smaller bites. I do a pretty good job when I am out to dinner or in social situations (because I think I'm nervous about having a problem in addition to engaging with others), but at work and at home I have a lot to improve upon, particularly at work, where I often eat 3 meals a day. I think it has to do with focus and time. I have to say it is hard!!I have made great strides but more to come! I also need to not drink while eating (again, out to dinner with glasses of wine never really an issue, just at work or home!). In addition, must focus more on protein, which I know will help me in this process. Also need to balance my newfound sweet tooth. I will never deprive myself but it seems that I can't have just one cookie or piece of candy...hopefully will be able to soon. There are more I am sure, but these are what come to mind the most (and, this is the second time writing this post as I accidentally deleted the entire thing the first time)...

Overall, with the good and the bad, this is just the best thing I have done, and I am so thankful...I will continue to push and hope to keep progressing...

Thanksgiving 2010...Ups and Downs but still Thankful

I am back in NYC after a good trip home...despite some bumps in the road, I still had a great time being at home. Without going into a ton of detail, there is a bit of family turmoil going on that is sad and I think revolves around a lot of misunderstanding and miscommunication, but needless to say, we did not all spend thanksgiving together, which is just sad and so unlike my very close family...very hard for me to digest and feel/felt very trapped as I love everyone so dearly, but bottom line is, i got through it. My parents and I had a wonderful meal and time together but I missed my brother, as did they (my other brother was in London). but, my Mom is really getting better, which was great to see and they were able to remain in good spirits despite all the challenges...I had to work a lot while I was home, which was unfortunate but is the way it is....I continue to pray for love and healing and I know we will come through this..I am still very thankful for everyone in my family, our love and support...I am also thankful for this journey I have been on and what I have been able to accomplish and all the support I have received..

In terms of eating, what a difference a year makes. Last year I remember eating everything in sight and going for thirds..this year, I had some of everything (all the same foods as last year) but had small portions. Despite being pretty tight over the last week, by some miracle my band really cooperated! Below is a picture of what I ate, consisting of turkey (put in the oscar so was all shredded up), some mashed potatoes, a bit of stuffing, peas, turnips and broccoli casserole (family tradition). Also had a splash of cranberry there. The key was gravy and lots of it to keep everything moist...i also had some sweet potato casserole on a side dish but didn't get a pic

I amazingly was able to eat everything (and had seconds on broccoli casserole -- a once a year delicacy!). When I look at the pic, I can't decide if it looks like a lot or a little, but regardless, was so happy I was able to eat (was nervous given how tough certain foods have been). In terms of leftovers, I discovered a bit of turkey stew. It was turkey, stuffing, mashies, a few peas all chopped up with gravy and a touch of cranberry..it doesn't look very appetizing, but let me tell you it was delish


Besides the meal, I ate pretty well sans my new ice cream addiction...shame on me for thinking that I can control my new found sweet tooth with ice cream in the house...good news though is that overall think I might have lost a pound or two..week over week in the challenge, i am down ~3-5ish i think, though i knew I was fairly bloated last week..

In addition to our big dinner, while I was home I had my 10yr high school reunion..was a good time and I went to the absolute best school and am so blessed. was a tad bit anti climatic given I am still in a very close group of friends, approx 15 of us from high school who I see all the time, and now with face book, even those people I haven't seen in years I know what they are doing. I felt pretty good at the reunion..think i looked nice. It is funny, I was overweight the whole time i was in high school (and am now still heavier than my heaviest in high school, but not that far off), but I still had such a great time. Had great friends and experiences, was a cheerleader, went to dances, was in plays, etc...My weight always bothered me but I felt like people were less judgemental versus those in college and the real world...just a special place and some of my fondest memories

In addition, to dinner and reunion, other highlight was shopping. I took my parents to an outlet mall...not the best outlets, but still have some good stores. We got some good basics, but I also had some huge victories...I got several skirts, a top and a pair of pants from anntaylors..I have never fit in that store, except maybe in a stretchy top, so that was a huge victory and felt great! I'm basically in the smallest women's sizes but still a bit big for regular sizes....Also, another huge victory was in J Crew when Mom and I saw the cutest skirt...they only had a 14, and I am just not quite there yet..well, the sales girls convinced me to try it on...while too tight to wear in public, it zipped and fit...was a huge NSV for me and felt great..some good motivation to keep going...

Sorry for a bit of a ramble but I am feeling energized and am proud of myself for sticking with this, especially in the face of personal challenges that in the past would have sent me right to the pantry..

Here is a picture from last year's thanksgiving (i had trouble finding one because I was hiding from the camera at that point) and me at the reunion..good news is that I can tell the approximate 80ish difference, which is nice..most importantly, I see the difference between someone who was in pain and in a deep depression versus someone who is feeling motivated and coming out of dark days into the light..

I feel tight...but not too tight..

So, when I was at the office on Wed, I got 0.25 added...I felt that I have had decent restriction, in the sense that I could eat basically anything when eating slow/small bites (which i am not always good about) but at the same time, I felt hungry often and was eating an entire entree of pasta out on Tuesday night! it was tough for me to decide because I had had some PB moments but most were bc I was not being smart. anyway, decided to go for a smidge fill.

Wed I ate like crap (ice cream cake for someones bday) but I generally did notice a bit more of tightness. Thursday and Friday I ate well though..soup, mushy type foods. I had salad one day for lunch but ate very small bites and very small portion. What I have noticed, as many of you are/have experienced, I am very tight in the AM. I have no issues with liquids but it is tough to eat anything solid right away. in addition, my current level of tightness is really teaching/showing me that I have GOT to follow good bandster eating rules. Now, the past two days I have learned the hard way, but I really don't think I am too tight. I think this level is just showing me that I have to eat slow, small bites. It is a good reminder of what I'm doing, what I'm eating, why, etc. I had gotten a bit too comfortable and had stalled so I am thinking of this as a refocus.

Some of the posts about what everyone is eating was somewhat of a reinforcer for me that I probably needed a smidge of a fill and more importantly, needed to refocus! I feel like when I first started, I ate very well and nutritious. I have never deprived myself, but generally showed more discipline. Over the last month, I feel like i have eaten crap. a lot of pasta, sweets, etc. I was honestly too embarrassed to even post what I ate some days, let alone on a daily basis. the only consistency I seemed to have was skim latte in the AM with a fiber one bar. But, your posts were helpful and insightful and reminded me of when I first started and really focused on my eating. I do know everyone has their own path and I too have done well, but I want to refocus on healthy foods and eating habits.

This weekend, one of my best friends (does not know about band) was in town from Chi..it was a little bit of a test with my new fill level and showed me that I really need to focus!!! we went to brunch y'day and I got some chili..even still, I took too big of bites and noticed I got a bit stuck (and had no bathroom in sight)..i ended up having to pb into a napkin (i am sure others saw but my friend did not) I did though successfully eat a hot dog at the stadium with no issues (eating very slow, small bites, minimal bread)...to explain the hot dog, we went to the ND v. Army football game at Yankee stadium...it was totally awesome and fun! i love college football and i love ND (being Irish and Catholic). I saw so many cute guys there and it made me excited to continue on this journey and hopefully meet someone in the near future. We ended up crashing last night bc we were dead after the game but went to brunch today. I played it safe with some yogurt and granola (so not like me) and noticed even then I had to go very slow.. I also noticed though that as the brunch went on, I got a little looser which was good. I don't think though that I will be able to go to any early meals for now, but I'm ok with that (especially bc I like to and usually sleep in!!).

I lost weight this week in the challenge (~3 lbs from last week) but i also had a lot of water weight last week..but i'll take it. from the start of the journey, I am down 77.8. I had hoped that I would be farther by now but I know this is still great and I will keep pushing. I feel re-motivated post this last fill and this will be a good test for me this week with food at work mon/tues then home for the rest of the week..looking forward to getting away!

have to go do work reviews now..hope everyone has a great week!

Need.to.focus

got a lil pinch of a fill (0.25)..did not follow liquids only, ate some crap...need, need to refocus....i can do this...

What a great weekend

Well, I have not been fulfilling my duties of blogging or really being focused on me and my weight loss but I did have a great weekend...I also feel like I am on the verge of breaking through this plateau and yo-yo of up/down the same couple of pounds...I am really starting to mentally pump myself up for the gym. it sounds so dramatic and I know it is important and everyone does it successfully, but it is such a mental block for me. I am getting close though..

So, last week was busy, but good. I worked the entire weekend prior on a deal and had to cancel a work trip to Dallas as a result of the deal. was so bummed because I was going to see two of my best friends who live in Dallas and stay the night with them and celebrate my bday...sadly didn't work out. Deal was so stressful (my boss is on maternity leave, so it is all me..going head to head with MDs from other big IBanks..) but ended up ok and priced successfully on Tuesday, which happened to be my bday. Lucky for me, my older bro was in town for work so we went to a really nice dinner. We went to a restaurant called Marea that is supposedly the place to go for the food (my brother is a huge foodie..I'm a mini foodie but no comparison to him). it was very pricey but definitely delicious..so good! also, had some good sightings (Goldie Hahn, Top Chef Pastry host, and Maria Bartiromo and Hank Greenberg (only finance dorks think that is cool))..needless to say though, had cake or some form of dessert to celebrate Monday, Tuesday and Wed! Am not pumped about getting a year older but I also feel like this is my year...this is the year to conquer this beast for good and find true happiness in myself..

So, on Thursday night I flew home for my friend's wedding in ATL. it is one of my best friends from HS (we actually have gone to school together since 2nd grade) and I was a reader. On Friday I had to attend the bridesmaid luncheon, rehearsal and rehearsal dinner..Saturday afternoon was the wedding and then the reception was that night. I have a great group of HS friends (girls and guys) who are VERY close and have the best time together, so was looking forward to it!

Well, I have to be honest, I felt so great this weekend..like so great. I had seen some people in July (have lost an addl 20 since then) and had gotten a good amount of comments on my weight loss but some I had not seen since the spring. It is not the attention that is the best part (though never mind it!) but the fact that people can tell!! Well, I felt like a superstar on Friday night. I had my hair straightened, which is a treat bc not many people do it well bc it is so curly and frizzy, and I had bought this great, fitted knit dress that hugged every curve and was very trendy..wore with black tights and a pair of my fave shoes that completed the outfit. My girlfriends were all very complimentary and so sweet...on the dress, my hair and my weight loss. Well, when I got to the dinner and saw my best guy friends (and their fiances), they went nuts. the one fiance who i love, was flabbergasted and said i looked skinny (i laughed a bit). long story short, I felt really great and loved and supported..i still felt like the bigger girl but it was the best i have felt in a social situation outfit/size wise through this process...Saturday wedding was great as well, and got a lot of compliments on that dress too (though wish i had realized how much cleavage it had..i like cleavage, but was a bit much!!). Wedding of course was a blast with tons of dancing, craziness and my friends having a blast...

coming back was hard (hence it is 1;30 and I am awake) because it is a bit of a let down, and I also have a lot of work to do. I have yet though to really refocus on my goals/this journey and it is time. week one in the challenge saw a 0.2 gain and that just won't work. This weekend and the feelings I had reminded me of why i want to do this and continue..not the attention or people complimenting me...but how I felt..secure, pretty, sexy, etc....i deserve that..I want that..it is up to me...

A few pics from the weekend...i would tell everyone to go buy the black dress i wore bc i loved it, got so many compliments on it (girls asking me if it was trina turk or alice and olivia (couldn't fit in those brands if I tried) and it hugs every curve and hinds your arms (i hate mine)...it wasn't cheap but fairly reasonable and I used a coupon at Lord and Taylors!!