Seat and seat belt fit... Check!

So I am flying right now to Omaha for a client meeting...I am on one of the small express jets. While I have fit better in plane and train seats for awhile, when I sat down today and buckled in comfortably, I remembered my last trip to see this client @ Nov 2009. I was traveling with male colleagues that I didn't know very well. Sure enough, one gets seated across the aisle from me. While I plunkered down in the seat, the seat belt didn't fit. I tried to stay calm while dying inside, hoping he didn't notice, but it took so many tries and manuvering it would have been impossible for him not too. While the seatbelt buckled, I was humiliated and from then on remembering having nightmares about traveling for work and not fitting in the seat and can remember praying with my mom that the seatbelt would fit for a business trip and I wouldn't have a problem, especially after that celebrity got liked off the plane. While I still do have a bit of fear about small planes, it doesn't haunt me like it did and I have been flying for over 2 hours now and my thighs have not made the arm rest rise up. What a blessing and something reaffirming the importance of this journey!


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Thousand Word Thursday

So it is Thousand word Thursday from Amy at Babbles of a Bandster (she is so nice and such a hoot!)...each week is a new topic and you answer the question with a picture..The topic this week is:

A decoration in your home that is very meaningful to you - a family heirloom, a gift from your BFF, etc.

Now, this one is a lil tough for me as I live in about 400 square feet in a rented apt that is falling apart (I am working on getting a new apartment..or at least I say I am)...I don't really have grown up furniture yet, which sounds ridiculous to me given I am a grown adult but my apartment is so small...that is one of my goals in addition to getting a new apartment.

So, given I don't really have any decorations/furniture that I love/cherish, I thought of the things I do cherish the most in my home..here is what I came up with:

This is my "Mother's Love Pillow"..one of my prized possessions...this is a very old pillow that was my Mom's..it is so perfectly squishy and the best pillow ever. when we were younger we would always try to steal this pillow because we all loved it but my Mom would never part with it. As I have noted before, my Mom is basically my heart, so when I went to college, she gave me her pillow..Growing up my mom would always say "Mother's Love" on the phone or when she would say goodnight, so it was my Mother's Love pillow to hug and comfort me when I was away...well, there have been so many times, almost 10 years since I was gifted that pillow, that I still hug it and when I will speak to my Mom, she will tell me to hug my pillow and feel the comfort of mother's love..

These were also a gift from my mother and are beautiful earrings..they are not my favorite because of how nice and lovely they are, but what they represent. These were my Mom's earrings from my Dad that she gave me about three years ago at Christmas. AFter battling financial challenges for much of our lives (while never going without!), my Dad had a great year at work and gave my Mom these earrings. Roughly 10 years later at this Christmas, times were tough in terms of getting gifts...well, my Mom gave me her earrings...I was shocked and didn't want to take them but she said she wanted me to have them and it brought her so much joy to see me wear them and enjoy them...I really think of it as more of a loan but I just cherish these earrings because of the love and selflessness they represent..I really treasure them and wear them 90% of the time..

Hope everyone is having a good week..TGIF...

A quick post... My first mobile post!

A rare second to breathe so thought I would do a quick post. Doing great on my goals for today sans the cookie I just ate!! Whoops!! I have been having massive cravings (hormonal related --- or that is my excuse) but otherwise doing well..am almost done with 50 oz of water and ate a sensible lunch! Today was fairly slow, which is a rarity I fully embrace... Like many, I am either so slammed or slow (9 out of 10 slammed)...so, I ate slowly and over am hour period but didn't eat too much... A turkey sandwich with only one slice of wheat toast and a slice of cheese ( with some veggies of course)... I really wish I could cut the cheese, but I just loooove cheese... And the thought of a Sammy without one is just not desireable! Also, thbplace I went to has boars head turkey which I think is the best.

Other than my food, meeting some goals, faltering at others, I an excitedbti leave hopefully in the next 45 mins and go to pilates! Also, day 2 of trying to look better at work ( despite oversleeping by one hour) was good! Have on a cute dress and while my hair is up, I tried to make it look cute! We will see how day 3 goes... I low getting dressed up and puttin on makeup but I have gotten so lazy about work... And there are many cute guys here so need to try do look somewhat decent...

Look at that water on my desk!!
wanted to take a pic of me in my dress but a bit tough/obvious on the trading floor!
Ok, enough for now!! Hope everyone is having a great day



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A great weekend..and some interesting perspective

So, after my last post, I am feeling much better. I did not let it keep me down and forged on. I had an absolute great weekend, including seeing Going the Distance (love), going to dinner with my friend's parents in from FL, Jersey Boys on Broadway, a zillion errands (and I am not good at doing errands) that I walked to in the city (about 1.5hours of walking), Church and the US Open...I ate pretty well (all with people who do not know about my band), sans the chicken fingers and fries at the Open..note to self to bring something from home to eat next time...

I am really starting to feel overall better and this weight loss has really helped..I am by no means comfortable, but feeling a desire to do things again and more like myself..it is such a great feeling because I am someone who has always embraced life and I was missing that over the last year. I fit fairly comfortably in the Open and Broadway Seats, going through the turn style to get into the Open was fine, I am feeling prettier and wanting to get dressed up...just nice to reflect on feeling better..

So tonight, my big bro was in the city for a conference and we went to dinner. He was (and always is) so sweet and supportive. He religiously reads my blog (and has read many others), wants to be a part of every step, asks for posts, etc..also wanted to order and pace his eating so it was band friendly..He is just amazing...He told me how beautiful I looked and he said I looked so great and he could really tell my loss, especially in my face (it has been ~35 pounds since I last saw him). We ended up going to dinner at ABCKitchen, a newer restaurant in the city that I have really been wanting to try. It is a Farm to Table restaurant (uses local ingredients, veggies from local farms) and has a great decor/vibe. The meal was pretty good (i would say a 6 out of 10), but the food paled in comparison to the company/seeing my brother.

Needless to say, we had a VERY open conversation...many things that will have to be included in future posts because it is too much for just one, but one of the biggest things that I (more he) noticed was that it was hard for me to accept the compliments..even with my brother, who i am 100% comfortable with, I got somewhat embarrassed accepting the nice words and he kept telling me how great I looked, and all I could think is "you are my brother, of course you say that.." I know that I need to be better at accepting compliments and being positive, but all I can think is that I still have so much to lose and I don't want anyone to know how much I have lost (i.e. those not in my inner circle) or how much I still have to lose because the number I have lost is half of many people and I am still overweight and have a lot more to go despite this number..My brother was shocked/frustrated at this..he kept pointing out that I should be celebrating what I have done, my improvement and where I am going...he even made some comparisons to picking stocks (two finance geeks..). I know he is right and I am proud of myself and am excited for where I am going..I know I am hard on myself and it will be something that I will need to improve upon going forward...We talked about so much (guys, dating, perception of heavier people, etc)....so open and honest...I am definitely going to have to post about some of the other things later..

I did well on the eating front and am determined to make this week a great one...in the spirit of some others posting goals, here are some goals for the week:
*No pasta (for some reason I have been eating so much pasta lately and I generally try to avoid very high carb foods)
*Drink 64 oz of water (this is tough for me but I know how important it is)
*Make quality food choices at all meals and avoid mindless snacking
*go to the gym at least twice for cardio (the one thing I have totally been missing is exercise and this is something I know I need to conquer/focus on). This is in addition to Pilates
*Avoid Desserts (again, have been doing a lot of desserts/sweets lately, which is not my norm)..
*Blog every day, if even for quick posts..(excited to use the new blogger app)

I have already done well on the avoid dessert choice..I was craving something sweet after lunch today and one of the girls on my team got engaged so I decided my desk should get cupcakes (Magnolia cupcakes..i.e. from Sex and the City..to die for..)..So, I took orders and went. On the way over, I was asking myself if the cupcake was worth it? I decided I would only eat half, but by the time I got to Magnolia, I decided I would skip it...it was tough as I watched everyone eat it but I felt very happy / proud that I resisted...

Below are a few highlight pics from the weekend and dinner!

Some bumpy waters...

A bit of an accountability, acknowledgement post..

So, I have not been doing awesome on the band front...On Mon and Tues AMs on my scale, I was down 65, my Sept 1 goal..i tend to require two days of the number on the scale for it to "count"..so, I updated my goal on the right side of my home page but was too tired to post about reaching the goal. Well, the next four days, including today, I have been higher than those numbers and my 65 down goal..I realize there is water weight and I am only 2 higher than the 65 down, but still I feel like I'm cheating a bit..hmm.I think I will wait to fully celebrate the 65...especially because I have not been doing great in band land/eating..I feel like I don't necessarily deserve to be down 65 as I have not had the "fight" in me recently..

I know this journey will have ups and downs, and I have experienced both, and I think I'm in a bit of a down. That said, this "down" is nothing like a previous down would be..where if I didn't have a good day, I would say screw it, I already ruined the day and just make it a blow out..I just in general have not been making as conscious food choices. I have been much better about chewing, eating slow and taking smaller bites, but I think I have been eating too much....even if over a slower period. and generally just not eating healthy enough. In addition, I have found myself indulging in a bit of emotional/head hunger..now, it is nothing like the past or overwhelming, but I am giving in a bit, which I have for the most part thus far, not done.

For instance, yesterday, I was getting a pedicure, right next to the grocery store..throughout much of the pedicure, I was thinking about food..what I would eat for dinner, what could I eat, how I wish I could just gorge.... It was a bit of a rough day/week and I have not been sleeping great...in addition, I think I am hormonal...Well, after I was done with my pedi, I decided to go get some sugar free carnation shakes bc I was out of them (mistake to enter the grocery store when tired, hungry and emotional)..well, they didn't have them. While I was at the store, all I could think about was I wanted ice cream and m&ms..well, I gave in and went to the aisle..but, I ended up with a mini cup skinny cow for 150 cals and only allowed myself one (bc I don't have enough will power if it is in my apt). Well, after that, I remembered i had these pretzel crisps in my apt that I loved, so I decided to see if I could get some cheese to go with them, thinking, I will just have a few. I ended up getting "pub cheese"..a spreadable, cream cheese like thing that had cheddar cheese, cream and jalapenos (i know it sounds gross ...even typing it).

Well, I proceed to go home and have my skinny cow...then, I ate Half of the container of cheese with pretzels..Veerrry slowly...I was hungry in the beginning but then I think I just let it go from there. The only thing that stopped me from finishing was that at the last minute I met my friend for dinner...she picked sushi..given I was not that hungry and had the pub cheese, I decided I wasn't going to really eat and told her I was just going to have one roll (and wasn't planning on eating it all) bc I ate a mini dinner...well, forget that, put sushi in front of me and I had about almost 2 rolls (that she ordered)...so then, we go to the movies (btw, if you like Chick Flicks, which I LOVE), I decide to get a coke..I have basically given up coke (i call any soda coke given I am from ATL) and only have one once in a while..well, I normally have always drank DC. at the movies, I decide to get a mix of DC/Cherry Coke...my friend got m&ms. Well, I think the guy screwed up and gave me all cherry coke..and the movie theatre's smalls are basically a large. so, i had a huge cherry coke and had about 30 m&ms...just mindless...I guess the first step is admitting..

So, after this not great week and horrible yesterday eating, I was not dying to jump on the scale today (most mornings, I am so excited to jump on and see how I have done) and I hate that I had that feeling...Amazingly, I was only 2 higher than my down 65 pounds number...amazing given all the food I ate..I don't want to give up, but I do want to get my fight back and keep going. I have done well so far and am proud of myself, but I have such a long way to go and fear getting too comfortable...so, I want to re motivate..after not sleeping well, I am not feeling motivated right now but I have acknowledged my mishaps and have made the decision I want to improve and get back on track (and i know sleeping well will help). I have dinner/lunch plans through Monday, but I think on Tues I might do a bit of a mini "cleanse" with some protein shakes, etc..I liked Grace's 5 day plan...anyways, am not going to let myself get down and out (and, the fact that I want to go shopping bc a lot of my clothes are big is a good sign and could be a motivating thing) but am glad I am airing my dirty laundry...hopefully, when I am near or at my goal and I look back on this journey, I can read this post/posts like these (because I know there will be more) and be proud that I forged onward versus previous losing attempts where it would all be over...plus, I threw out the pub cheese thank goodness..

On a more positive note, food aside, had a great time last night and am going to dinner and a show tonight and then the U.S. Open on Monday so will be a fun weekend..hope everyone else has a good one as well..

Thousand Word Thursday

Have not been good about blogging and not really up for it tonight (but have been reading and loving it), but i couldn't miss Amy's first Thousand Word Thursday because it is such a fun idea and is so fun to read...For those who don't know, each week there will be a theme/question and then you post a picture to respond..so this week's:
"Let's celebrate our own beauty and how wonderful we all look with a photo of your favorite feature on your own body"


so, my favorite body part right now I think are my eyelashes..they are long and curly and I love putting mascara on them and seeing how plump and long I can make them..the only thing I like making plump!!...this was the best pic i had (though not the best mascara job I have done and excuse the need for an eyebrow wax)...have loved reading everyone's blogs and hope I am feeling more like myself and in a position to want to post this weekend....

The scale is moving all around!

Some things that I think I am doing well:
*Not emotionally eating..Yes, i have wanted to reach for things, but I have held back (and the fear of what could happen if I try to eat them