Need the positive thoughts back

I'm sitting at Cosi, having just finished lunch (needed the wifi as I'm not getting internet installed until next Saturday!). I went to Pilates at noon, but I'm feeling very blah and tired (fatigue makes cowards of us all as Vince Lombardi would say). I just feel a bit lonely and down. I got great news yesterday afternoon that we got a mandate for a deal on Monday, which was big bc my boss has been on maternity leave and we were not supposed to get this deal rotation wise. of course now my boss is coming back on monday instead of later in the week, but oh well. It is great news, but it has just killed my weekend..trust me, I don't mind working hard but a 17 hour day on a Friday night plus constant bberry (e.g. waking up in a terror that something has come through in the middle of the night and I need to address it) and heading into the office in a bit. I know I need to stop complaining as I chose this profession and I get compensated well, but need to vent a bit.

Sometimes I look at my life and think what have I done and where I am going...I know my weight has been such a big part of that and also not meeting someone (which i think are highly correlated) and I know I have done a lot, had success and am so blessed (family, friends, health, work, etc) but i sometimes worry I am going to be alone forever...Also, am I always going to feel fat/overweight? even when I get to my goal weight, which right now feels so far away? am I going to have loose skin to remind me of being fat? I know I just have to push through and deal with that when I get there, but it worries me....also, what if I lose weight but don't meet someone? am I going to live my life alone? Can I find sufficient fulfillment elsewhere....do I want to do this job forever...

oh Lord, I am depressing myself writing this...especially when I know it is just fatigue getting the best of me. I am going to bite the bullet, go to work, listen to some good music and get it done and then take a nap! i'm supposed to go to dinner with a friend tonight but I'm iffy at the moment...we'll see...I'm tempted not to actually post this, but I guess it is good to remind myself I have good And Bad days....

Goal for my one year

So I have been very out of touch because my Internet at home has not been working. I don't pay for the Internet (use my neighbors...) but they have changed settings and think I am going to have to break down and do it (I make no sense sometimes in my cost analysis as I will buy shoes but don't like paying for the Internet). I can't blog at work bc I have zero privacy being on a trading floor plus everything on my computer is monitored and don't feel like dealing with that.

Anyways, I'm feeling good. I am almost over this sickness though has definitely taken almost 2 weeks to get over and still not 100%. but, I have been eating pretty well and def monitoring closely. I also went to the gym on sat and Sunday and also last night after work. I am doing the C25K program and am finishing week 2. I def do not enjoy running but I want to prove to myself I can do it. I would love any thoughts or feedback from others who have done this program... What they thought/how it worked for them? I realize a 5k is not a ton ( and I so admire everyone training for the half marathon) but running is so tough for me and something I have never enjoyed and always dreaded especially in school when we had to do the mile for fitness testing and I could never run the entire thing. Anyways, I'm going to prove to myself that I can do it and am targeting a 5k in may to celebrate one year. My lil bro said he would do with me and my older bro ( who can't run due to back injury) said he would come and cheer.. So sweet. Will keep you posted.

As far as weight wise, as of today I am I am down 96.6... Nearing in on triple digits....which is exciting. All of this is from the beginning of the liquid diet.. If i compare to what I weighed when I went for my consult in january, it is 103... But I like using the date of my pre surgery liquid diet because that is when I truly decided to change my life forever. So as I think about one year and where I would like to be, in a perfect/ ideal world I would lose another 50 pounds and be at my goal weight... Now while I will reach for the stars, I also realize that might not be realistic... I know continued exercise will help but that is a lot at this stage of the game. In my heart, if I can lose 35 by my one year, I will be thrilled. I think it doable but will be a big challenge... But one can only try. My average weight loss per month over the past 9 months has been 8 pounds but we all know how much harder it is now. ... As my gpa would say though, five yard em to death and 1-2 1-2 with the feet...

I haven't been able to read or comment on blogs so I am so excited to catch up this weekend!! Hope everyone is doing well!





- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

How often do you see your Doctor, fills aside?

Just wondering how often people go to see their doctor, assuming they are comfortable with their restriction. I am at a good level fill wise and doing ok, so don't think there is a "need" to see the doctor but wondering how often others go, just to check in? I got a fill in early Nov but was wondering if I should be going in to check in later this month? i don't think it is needed but recognize it can't hurt and could just help motivation wise..curious what others do?

Eating wise, today was not great. I am still recovering from being massively ill with the flu and not moving from bed Sunday to Wed but definitely getting better. All of a sudden, my hunger went full force. Had OJ for my illness and a small fat free chocolate milk for protein at breakfast. for lunch, got a small soup from H&H for ~250 cals (their estimate) and then a half sandwich that was 250 cals, and i cut half of the bread. oh, forgot my quick 85 calorie baby ruth that I had as an appetizer..whoops. lunch was great and I was satisfied..about an hour later, I was famished. I went and got some smartfood (surprisingly only 160 cals for a bag) and had about 3/4..oh, then I had a bag of M&Ms..WHAT IS MY PROB? not doing great watching the sweets!!! I can't really explain it (though have been having hormonal cravings) but I guess it is good I am publicly acknowledging it..now I just need to take that acknowledgement to the next step and correct it! Reading people's blogs has been helpful and I'm really enjoying being more dedicated to it.

Looking forward to the weekend and hopefully fully recovering from the flu and also getting back into exercise. I would like to do cardio Sat, Sun and Monday..a lot but I want to make up for lack of activity this past week..I want to get in a groove where I want to exercise (others seem to say it exists..haha). I am going to be on Long Island visiting my Gma, but I am making the gym a priority. Also excited because tomorrow night I am bringing my Gma into the city for dinner and to see Lombardi, the play. He was a huge part of our family and my Gpa's life (played football together back in the day) so should be great...excited!

Here's to staying positive and motivated through the weekend!!

Goals for 2011

Finally getting a chance to put my goals "down on paper" ....these are definitely not exhaustive but some of the main (and many things) i would like to work on/do/do better/continue to do in the new year...These are not in any particular order....

Weight/Body
*Lose 100 pounds by Jan 15th
*Lose 130 pounds by my one year bandiversary (April 22)
*Lose 160 pounds by 9/10/11 (one of my best friend's weddings)
*Avoid mindless eating
*Do cardio at least 3x per week
*do Pilates 1-2 times a week
*get a trainer after bonus
*drink at least 60 oz of water a day
*focus on protein
*sweets only in moderation/less frequently
*avoid any type of binge eating
*Blog at least 3x per week and try to make posts more thought provoking

Spirit
*Attend mass weekly
*pray daily
*Make God a more central focus of my every day life
*Make sure I am always being my best self
*less gossiping
*no cussing
*Each month write a handwritten letter to someone telling them how much they mean to me (stole this from Amy at Babbles of a Bandster)
*work on ridding myself of guilt
*focus on keeping myself a priority
*follow up on what I say I will do
*keep in touch with friends more regularly

Health
*Go get a physical at 100 down
*make GYN appt (overdue)
*Get my teeth cleaned as many times as insurance pays and get all my cavities fixed
*Brush my teeth morning AND NIGHT and floss daily
*wash makeup off at night and moisturize my face 2x a day

Mind
*Read one book per month (non chick lit)
*only watch one hour of TV during weekdays unless at GYM (excluding AM TV on on background when getting ready)
*Take ongoing development classes to better myself at my job
*Read paper daily vs. doing a 5 minute skim
*Read 30 minds extra per day for work
*be more efficient at work

Personal
*Dress for success daily (aka don't be lazy and oversleep)
*Wear makeup every day to work
*Get rid of clothes that are too big
*pass on clothes to the sisterhood or goodwill versus just sitting in bags
*keep apartment clean
*Be on time
*give myself enough time to get ready, not rush and be on time
*take the subway 2x a week to work
*try to walk/take subway more versus cabs
*Find new Apartment by March!!!
*Be out of boxes in said apartment within 2 weeks
*Decorate/order furniture in new apartment in a timely manner
*Avoid wasteful spending/impulse purchases
*Better monitor finances
*less shopping/returning
*Actually wear the nice clothes and shoes I have versus "saving them"

I'm sure there are many more things but these were what came into my head last week when I wrote this (on the plane waiting for my 7am flight to take off..not bad for no coffee!) Hopefully I can try to accomplish many of these!!

btw, how do you do bullet points on a blog??

Sick as a Dog but happy I exercised 4 times this week!

I am in bed (where I have been all day) a bit drowsy from my Nighttime Cold and Flu meds I took but thought I should do a quick post (one of my goals for the new year, which I still have to post about, is to blog 3 times a week). Anyways, feel good about this past week from an exercise front. I did the elliptical for 45 mins on Monday night and then I did the C25K running program Wed, Thurs and Sat for 30 mins each time. I was traveling to Atlanta/Dallas on Wed/Thurs, so the fact that I went to the gym, when i normally would have taken advantage of any food I wanted on the corporate card was a huge NSV. I can't say that I had any desire to work out at any point, and in fact had to keep talking myself into doing it, but I did it. I also did Pilates on Saturday so think it was a good start. I have really taken ill, starting Thurs night but taking a turn for the worst last night..one person thought it could be my immune system reacting to the changes in exercise, etc. but not sure.

Eating wise, I really need to kick it into high gear if I want to work towards my goals for the new year, which are pretty aggressive. I am about 90 lbs down now and would like to lose approx 130 by my one year bandiversary in April...I am doing a great job with the water drinking and want to remain focused on protien, good bandster eating and being "aware" when and why I'm eating! This also includes balanced meals and not waiting to eat to a point where I am famished and don't eat the right foods!

On another NSV, went to see Wicked again last night with one of my friends and her sister who had never seen it..we had these plans for awhile, and while I def did not feel good at the show, it was still magical! i just love the show and music..so inspirational! anyways, while I was resting today and thinking about the show, I realized how comfortable I was in my seat. I wasn't spilling over in the seats, I didn't feel cramped, etc. I was able to walk in front of people without bulldozing them...NSV! the plane seat NSV I experience a few times a month but the theatre was one that def used to be uncomfortable!

Hope everyone has a great week..

Canyon Ranch Day 3 and 4

Day 3 was a big one for me...got up at 8am per our usual. I can honestly say that I don't think i have EVER (except maybe as a little kid) remember waking up that early on New Years day..we did our normal breakfast around 8:15..this time i decided to get one egg over medium, which was good because I could get it down and got some protein in. At 9am I did Low Impact Aerobics, which was awesome and I loved..also a good workout. At 10am I did Zumba again..Love Love Love!! at 11, I decided to do Pilates plus Bosu. While I am pretty good at Pilates I think now, everything I do is one on one and on the reformer..this was all on the Bosu, which is an inflateable ball that makes things more challenging. It was very tough and I couldn't do a ton with my back, but I was able to modify things and it still made me focus, stretch and engage my core for 45 minutes. After lunch, I was very tired and wanted to relax, but I was determined to do spinning at 3pm. I have done a few times in the past, but I still find it quite intimidating given my size. While I almost talked myself out of going at least a dozen times, I went. I wanted to prove to myself I could do it, and i did, despite almost leaving around 15 times! I don't love it yet, but do kind of like it and think I will like even more as I lose a bit more weight. Did Restorative Yoga again at 4pm which is basically relaxation and stretching which I love. Had a great dinner and then a massage at 8, which was blissful!!!

Post Spinning...tired but happy!

Day 4 I didn't want to come because it was the day we were leaving...Sad..back to reality! Woke up at usual time and went to breakfast. I debated going to a 9am class, but in the end decided to do the elliptical for 30 minutes from 9:30 to 10 and got a great workout. Then did H20 Power Hour in the pool, which was a mix between aerobic and core work..great! i love the pool and it is amazing what a great workout you can get! After the class I swam for about 15 minutes, which I too love. Swimming is not only a great full body workout but is good for a bad back. After that, took a long shower and then packed before lunch. We had lunch and then I relaxed by the fire a bit and went home..

Worked up a good sweat!


Last Breakfast...

Quick pic before departure!

I am back in the city now and in my apartment and sad...I miss the Ranch and it was heavenly...very relaxing, aerobic, good food, blissful..I am really glad I did it and while it was a big decision given the cost, I feel good about it and motivated into the new year..want to give myself the best start to 2011 and I think it was a good motivator and I am hoping to try to wake up around 6 to do 30-45 min on the elliptical and then shower and go to work. It involves packing my clothes for work, but I want to kick off the week right! if not in the AM, i am def going to go after work. My goal to start is cardio 3 times a week (plus pilates)..while not a ton, it is a very doable goal that I hope to exceed!!

My Word for 2011....Aware

I am very excited about my word for 2011...AWARE (and awareness)...

a·ware (-wâr)
adj.
1. Having knowledge or cognizance: aware of the difference between the two versions; became aware of faint sound.
2. Archaic Vigilant; watchful.

Synonyms: aware, cognizant, conscious, sensible, awake, alert, watchful, vigilant

I think this is such a great word for me and something to focus on in the new year. Plus, it focuses on so many aspects of my life, not just the weight loss. Being aware of how I feel, how I am acting, what I am doing, etc. I would like to become more in tune with my feelings and aware of when I am being my best self, when I am not, not forgetting to put myself first, eating slower and mindfully, etc. Being aware of my goals is another thing...when I am aware and cognizant (love the synonyms!!) of my goals, it will help form my habits, mental, physical and emotional...I think this is such a good thing for me to focus on because this journey is so much more than what I eat, but what made me overweight in the first place and managing my emotional health while hopefully conquering this beast once and for all..

I have loved reading the word posts thus far and look forward to reading more. All of these words are so applicable in so many ways...

Cheers to being AWARE in 2011!!