throwing up is no fun..and my wing craving has been filled

sorry for the title, but it is the truth. Last night after I reheated my salmon for dinner, I started to eat it..only to then get stuck..I took too many bites too quick, and in addition, the salmon was dry (esp from the additional heat)...anything dry is not band friendly...so, as I was stuck, I started to pb (in essence throw up in your mouth)...yeah, that was a lot of fun. It happened for awhile (about 20 minutes) and it was miserable..especially that it was salmon...I ended up ordering fro yo (pinkberry) for dinner because I was uncomfortable..I have decided that I can treat myself to pinkberry, but topics are dangerous..so, I got no toppings..

today, I wasn't feeling great from last night, and I have also been having some pain in my port area at work (literally, i think it is from sitting and the way my stomach (aka fat) sits). i also didn't sleep well. Well, i ended up calling in sick..this is not something I frequently do, but I did. I rested for a lot of the AM, then I went to the grocery store..stocked up on bottled water and snapples..also got a few other things...groceries are expensive though!!! especially when you are a snob and buy evian..though, it was on sale, and they had coupons (i was racking up the savings!). I was supposed to clean my apt as well in anticipation of Mary's arrival (and so my cleaning lady can clean my apartment, but I kind of lounged around, read blogs, watched Real Housewives, etc. tried to take an afternoon nap, but to no avail.

now, on the eating..I had fat free chocolate milk for bfast/snack. for lunch, I was very hungry and still craving wings...I ordered them..and ate them..now, I don't feel totally bad because i was really hungry and I did not eat all of them. Do I think it was the best decision? No. Do I think it was the worst? No. Was I pumped I ate them after? No. But, I cannot beat myself up and it was not a killer. for dinner, I had a 100 calorie bagel thin sandwich with some whipped cream cheese, two slices of turkey and a 100 calorie pack. not the best day, but not the worst.

Week over week, I lost 0.6 pounds..after two great weeks, that was not a fun number but at the same time, it is a journey!! I need to inspire myself to make this week great...and, i have a work function on Thursday..But, I will do this!! my next goal is for July 15th, and I have about 9 pounds to go...

short post for now, but wanted to provide an update...hope all is well..

Have had a great weekend...close call on emotional eating

I have had a great weekend...I am really starting to feel a bit back to my old self (personality/emotionally) after an 8 month coma if you will..I'm just generally happier, starting to feel more comfortable (while still feeling huge) and am doing better dealing with my emotions..I still have a long way to go, but I feel like I am making some progress..

Following my dinner out on Tues and support group on Wed, I had a dinner on Thursday with two people from work (my old and current Analyst) because the current Analyst is moving to London...Luckily, we got out at 6:30 so we went to dinner early, and it was right under my apt..woo hoo! but, it was a paella place so not the best food choices...I tried to eat the fish and not as much rice, but I didn't do great. Now, I do have to give myself some credit that my "not great" now is about half the size of my old portions, but still not as well as I would like to be. On Friday, work was fine..fairly slow and I got to leave early around 6. didn't have a great lunch, a sandwich that has some chipotle mayo on it, but whenever I have a sandwich, I only eat half the bread..that is something that I used to do in the past when I have dieted and is something that has helped me so far. On Friday night, I came home and relaxed/chilled..Fridays are so hard because the week has been so stressful..I watched a movie (Dear John..not that good). I ordered from this healthy/organic place for dinner..I got a personal pizza (basically on a tortilla with low sodium tomato sauce and cheese). I got turkey burger and onions on mine. for dinner, I really focused on eating slowly and chewing. well, after about 30 mins I was full and satisfied, and I had only eaten half of the pizza (again, think tortilla sized). so, I put it away and was happy...it is amazing how much better it is when I am slow and focused on eating...it is tough at work, but that is my life and I will have to try to eat slower. At work though, when I go and get lunch with my Analyst, he is always done about 15 mins before me which is good...

On Saturday, I went to Pilates for my second session..I really, really enjoyed it. A lot of breathing, thinking and stretching but I liked it. It also felt therapeutic with all the breathing. after that, I ran a few errands and then came home and took a nap (devine!). Last night I met up with my friend Brooke (old room ate) for dinner. We had not seen each other for at least 3 or so months, as I wasn't really feeling up to doing anything..well, I felt like myself last night and we had a great time catching up..it was wonderful. we sat outside and it was a beautiful night with some nice white wine. We got some hummus/yogurt for app (i had a small bite of bread with it) and then we both got salmon with salad for dinner. she is a very healthy eater, so it was good. I had maybe 1/3 of the salmon and salad..she remarked on how little I ate, but I was very satisfied..she also noticed how I was eating slower (i used to lap her when we would eat together!). She didn't notice I had lost weight (or didn't say anything if she did) but again, I hadn't been with her in a long time, so I was ok with that. I brought my salmon home with me so I could have for dinner Sunday night..

Today, I woke up way too early as I didn't sleep well last night. I then met my friend Abbey for brunch..Abbey lives in Boston for now (her husband is in Biz school there) but her husband is interning in the city for the summer..Abbey is 10 weeks pregnant so it was so great to see her..we had kept in touch somewhat, but given my funk, I had not really been great about it. well, she could tell in my face that I was more like myself and could tell I had lost weight (she saw me Januaryish)..anyways, it was a great time..I had an egg sandwich (egg and cheese) and again took off half the bread and took the bread with less cheese on it. I added a lil pesto to it which I think is not great, but overall, I felt good about it..

After lunch, i went to look at 2 apartments..I am still searching for an apt, but it is not a super intense search (which it needs to be). I have started to slightly toy with the idea of buying a place, so I actually looked at two apts for sale (in the same building)..it is Sooo crazy how much something costs for such little space..less than 600 square feet!!! the apartments were ok, but I did not love them for that price...plus, it is scary to think about being on the hook for everything (repairs, etc.) it was fun to look though...after that, i rushed home because it was sweltering outside and I wanted to get in the AC...

Have been home for about an hour watching the world cup, and all I can think about is food/being hungry..After not having great week, I weighed this Am and liked the number..I have a feeling I am nearing the time of the month and am bloated (please let's hope so), so am hoping I might be lower. Anyways, I started craving wings..yes, wings..something I never order, don't love, etc..maybe something about sports and wings?? so, I ordered them..i thought, just a few, it will be ok..then, i thought to myself, why are you doing this? you are tired, a bit bored...I also read other people's blogs (one of my favorite things to do now) and that helped....I knew I didn't really want the wings. while I did want them, I realized they were not worth seeing the scale go higher and I called the place back to cancel. they said they had already made them but would check (i was going to tell them to charge me but don't deliver them)..they ended up saying no problem, so that was great...

after that incident, I decided to blog because then I could put what I did in writing and would be accountable so that I didn't order something again..I was/am embarrassed to post it (yes, all my secrets are out) but I guess this is what it is for..I went out to dinner/brunch, did great and did not feel deprived at all..that is a way of living my life while still trying to lose weight...ordering wings at 3pm on a Sunday when you are not hungry is sabotage...I will continue to fight it as hard as I can..

i need to get back to the gym this week...that is one of my goals...

Also, Happy Happy Father's Day to my wonderful Dad!! thanks for all your love and support (he is an active follower!)

Also, SOOO pumped because Mary is coming to visit me this coming weekend..I can't WAIT!!!

off to clean a bit and nap (let's be honest, nap..)...

Tired, too much sushi and NYU support group

So, I went to the NYU support group tonight..it is hosted by my Doctor's office (with supervision from a social worker) and is held once a month for banders that are 1-12 months out. Now, it was 6-7:30. While I was slammed at work, I decided to leave and go to the group because I wanted to give it a try...it was ok...I can't say that I will likely go again. Everyone was nice, but some of the people in the group talked too much (i feel like they wanted to hear themselves speak) and I think I get just as much out of reading the Lap band forum and other people's blogs...the one nice thing was that we had to introduce ourselves, saying when we were banded and how we were doing..it was nice to get the applause I have to say..though, after a bad night of eating and today, I wasn't feeling stellar..

So, the past two days have not been great eating wise..I have been distracted by other things and have not been paying as much attention to my food and hunger. Last night I went out to dinner..I was exhausted but I did not want to cancel. While we went to sushi and I think I made fairly wise choices, I found myself not really thinking as I was eating, processing, chewing enough, small bites, etc. I just was tired and forgot about what I was doing..I just zoned out. while I didn't have any repercussions from the eating (i.e. pb'ing, etc.), I was upset after..and then, of course I couldn't resist Pinkberry after..I wish I had just said that I wasn't interested..not a disaster, but not what I want to do when I have momentum. I really don't love eating in a social setting right now...it will change as I get more comfortable with everything, but right now it is tough. of course I have social plans revolving around meals every day until Sunday...but, I am determined and will have to correct my behaviors..I ate ok today, breakfast and lunch wise. For dinner, after I raced back to work following the support group, I ordered seared tuna and edamame fro a sushi restaurant. the tuna started to wired me out so I only ate half. I ate all the eddies..while they are good protein, way too much sodium on the pods on the outside...I ended up still being a bit hungry and not satisfied..I have fought the desire to eat more (more head hunger, frustration than real hunger I think)...i have literally been thinking about things I could eat (most healthy) and have been fighting the urges..in my weakness I did have a 100 calorie pack of cookies..I can't say I really even enjoyed them..while not deadly, it was a more emotional eating than really hungry. it is too late (near midnight) to eat that stuff...You know, I am going to have good and bad days and this was a bad..I have to remember a lifelong process and not give up. I have to be honest though, it is tough..while I realize emotional eating was a way to numb myself, was harmful to me and didn't solve any issues, it is something that is very, very hard to conquer...it is a comfort blanket that has now left me exposed and cold..having to face realities that are not always fun...But, all part of my growing process...

So, I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow and need to really be aware of everything..especially following the rules (i have been drinking with meals)..I am realzing that as I get more restriction, the rules are going to be more and more important...

Feeling Good...

Sorry it has been so long since my last post...last week at work was a killer..worked most nights till 11 or midnight..i just didn't have it in me to type. But, the good news is that I got through the week and I ate well. I am feeling really, really good about things, and I am motivated. I have tried to be concious of everything I put in my mouth..and while it is hard, and I have some good days, some bad days, I'm feeling pretty good. This weekend I went to Long Island..went to lunch with Gma and then hung out with two of my cousins...great to see them as always...I felt bad because one of my cousins I think is considering weight loss surgery (or so I gathered..) but I decided i absolutely did not want to/will not share..to be honest, I just don't want to be the subject of people's conversations...I know people love me and would be supportive but this process is about me and what is best for me..and that is keeping it to myself and the few people (i.e. those reading) who know...I ate very well this weekend, which I could have easily not done considering I went out to three lunches/dinners and to the movies...I have found that I really look forward to eating healthy..it also didn't hurt that the restaurants had all the calorie information on it..in the past, i would have hated that..now, i love it.

I did not make it to the gym this week/weekend..I hope to go this week. I did though have a pilates session, which i enjoyed. It is pricey, but I am going to try to do it once a week and then try to do some stuff on my own during the week...we will see how it goes...

on the weight front, I have continued to lose..I weight myself almost every day, but "official" weigh in is Monday, so I will have to report back on progress...Forgot to mention..Gma could tell I had lost weight, which was very exciting!!! my clothes continue to get looser, which I love...

not a very exciting post, but I posted!

love to all and thanks to everyone's continued support!

TGIF...Two days post fill and doing well

All I can say is TGIF!!! Sooo happy for the work week to be over. I didn't get much sleep last night, worked late and was cranky all day. Had a big meeting...and I just cannot read my boss. sometimes I think she thinks I'm doing a great job...other times, I feel like she thinks i'm doing horrible. I'm trying to get better about brushing things off, but it is definitely not my strong suit. hopefully a good night's rest will do me some good..

Now, past the boring details, I have been doing well post my fill. I must say that it is tough to go back to liquids/mushies after eating regular foods but it is good because it forces you to think, readjust and remember what this is all about. My problem over the past two days has been more a lack of preparation/time. Though, I really need to try to stop using lack of time as an excuse...In terms of eating, yesterday I had a protien shake for breakfast, vegetarian split pea soup for lunch (the only low calorie soup that was not chunky at Hale and Hearty AGAIN), a tiny bite of gelato (bad girl..but, I did tell him small scoop..the guy kept trying to give me more but I was trying to explain I didn't want more!). I had to eat at work last night, so I ordered tomato soup and a smoothie...I took one sip of the smoothie and didn't love it, so I threw it away..that is progress from what I would have done in the past. the tomato soup was delicious, but I could tell high in cals..I had about half of it, so I felt ok..I think i was still within the 1000 calorie range. Today, I was in a meeting from 8-12noon..of course, the bfast in the room was bagels, danish, fruit, etc..no oatmeal.haha..I just had some juice until about 11 when I was famished..they had mini muffins, and I had about half of one (and they were mini), eating very, very slow. Not ideal but my stomach was literally growling..on the growling point, I have to say I like when my stomach growls..not because it growls/I am hungry but because it means I am in touch with myself/hunger...for lunch, i just could not do the vegetarian pea soup again...Hale and Hearty had my favorite curry shrimp corn soup (320 cals for a small) and I just LOVE it. I really just like the curry flavor..I really debated on the cals, but I was dying for it. while eating it, I ate around the corn and shrimp as much as possible because I really just liked the brothish part...I would say i left about half the shrimp and corn in there so hoping I didn't get to the whole 320 cals..For dinner, I was really unsure what to do. i wanted some ricotta with blended meatballs but was too tired to go get anything..I ended up ordering some scrambled eggs with cream cheese, baked potato and one pancake (again had to explain that I only wanted one, was fine to pay for 3)..now, it sounds like a LOT of food, but I wanted a taste and wanted to save some of it for the next day. The pancake i know was a weakness...I wanted a taste while not perfectly mushy. So, I ate about 1/4 of the eggs, 1/4 of the pancake and none of the potato...I felt satisfied and full and wanted to stop..I then threw out the pancake but kept the eggs..I have kept the potato too but think I will throw out. I of course am now trying to fight head hunger and the urge to eat (my favorite friday night ritual) but I really like seeing the scale move down...Not the perfect eating day, but not the worst. I do feel like the band is helping with my hunger, but either way, it psychologically is helping me...

on the excercise front, I did not go yesterday or today. I'm not making excuses but I was at work until midnight last night and back at 7..I am planning though to go tomorrow and Sunday so will hopefully get my three days in for the week...I will definitely keep everyone updated..On another note, the suit I wore today was very big and loose..now, this is a suit that I had to buy about 2 months ago when I was popping out of my other suits (which now fit/are a bit big), but it is still a good sign...

Well, that is all for me tonight..I'm so tired. this post was not super exciting but I did it for my brother brian who has a big test tomorrow..I believe in him and I know that he will do great..he has been such a big support and key part of my success thus far (and the long road ahead)..along with my whole family and friends..but Bri, I love you and good luck!

MLM

I did it!...and First Fill

So, per my post last night, I DID IT and made it to the gym this morning before work. Now, I was supposed to be up at 6am so i could get to the gym and make it to work on time without rushing..that didn't quite happen as I got up at 6:30 and rushed to the gym (via cab...sad) and got my workout in and then rushed to shower and too work (soo red and sweaty even post shower at work). I did 30 mins on the elliptical in intervals and it was very doable. I would have done longer time had I had the actual time. My goal is to go to the gym two more times this week between now and Sunday. Either tomorrow night or Friday AM is my goal and then once during the weekend. I might even try a class this weekend if I'm feeling adventurous. I also made an appointment for a private pilates session next Friday..it is expensive but I want to see what it is all about! I'm definitely getting some motivation and I hope to keep it up.

In other news, first fill! I had a big breakfast (approx 400 calores consisting of an apple, 110 calorie bagel thin and my last chick fil A chicken breast from Monday). I wanted to get a hearty breakfast given I would be getting the fill and will be on liquids for two days and then mushies for two days. When I got to the office, after waiting 1.5 hours (argh..not happy), I finally saw the doctor. Disappointing news was that I had only lost 2 pounds over the last 3-4 weeks since my last visit..BOO. Not super surprising given i had a really bad 1.5 weeks and only have recently gotten things in gear but still. I expressed my disappointment and she said I was doing great and that around 50% of people actually gain during this time as they try to discover their boundaries. Nice to know but I still wish I had lost more and been disciplined. So, she said i had 2.8 ccs in my band and she added 3.6ccs in addition. she said this was the upper limit of what she would give someone on their first fill. I explained to her hungry I have been...I know that it can take more than one fill to get to the "sweet spot" so I am hoping I am on my way. It did feel a bit different swallowing water after but it went down. I went ahead and scheduled my next two appts for the end of June and the end of July!!! Also, on a side note, I ended up chatting with two people in the waiting room, both very nice..we talked about some of our experiences, food, etc. It really made me excited for the support group meeting later this month which I am definitely going to attend!! I need more bandsters to share experiences with and bounce ideas off..if anyone is reading this from bandster land, maybe we can connect?

post the appt, I got hungry about 2 hours later..I went to Hale and Hearty for soup. the only non chunky options were potatoe and cheese soup (one taste..Delish) and vegetarian split pea (not my fave). given the calories, i went with the pea soup.it was good and satisfying but I think it hurt my stomach..the soup was estimated to have approximately 180 cals. for dinner later, I ordered drinks for the week and got a choclate milk (they only had reduced fat, not no fat, and it was 190 cals for half!). I drank half and threw the rest out, so I stayed under my 1000 cals for the day! woo hoo! each day is one more step..

ok, I better hit the hay because my eyes are closing...I wanted to post pictures to spice things up but am too exhausted (and I don't know how to change the time on this because it is 3 hours off..) I have a ton of work to do tomorrow..it seems like it never ends..I wish I could just take a leave of absence and really focus on myself!! oh well.

good night...best of luck to the other bloggers..I need to make blogger friends!!

A good day of eating and small victory in managing my emotions

It was definitely tough to return to work after the long weekend, but I had a good day. Was busy, but I was productive for the most part, which is definitely a step in the right direction. I wore this green shirt dress that I got on super sale, and it is very unlike my usual pants and sweater top...i got many compliments and it was a very pretty green..I felt good about myself AND i was on time for work! woo hoo!!!

So, on the eating side, I did well..I am trying to eat 1000 calories a day..I had egg whites for breakfast (no cheese, which is tough for me)..i poured all this salsa on the eggs, only to realize it was super spicy and I couldn't really eat it, but still managed to eat a few with ketchup. for lunch I had honey maple turkey, lettuce, tomato and onion on toasted wheat with mustard (again, no cheese). i only ate one slice of the bread..I had baked lays with that. For dinner, I had one of the chick fil a chicken breasts from yesterday (no bun) and a salad..the only bad things the salad had was feta cheese (i estimated I had 3/4 of a cup, which i think is about right) and a lil olive oil in the dressing...not bad for a first day. I have been home since about 9:45 and while I want something sweet, I am resisting the urge to eat...I really am trying to eat only when hungry and not mindless eat...

On another note, I had an NSV today...I received an email that was unexpected and hurtful (though not intentional) from a friend...it was very upsetting to me and I wasn't sure if I was going to write back...after letting it sit for about 2 hours after some great advice from Mary, I decided to unload how I felt in email..i decided that no matter what the response back was, i had to share what was on my heart..I received a very nice email back apologizing profusely, saying it wasn't inteded, etc. really no point in going into the details, but I am very happy that I didn't let the situation send me into a tailspin downward emotionally, I didn't eat to deal with my feelings, I kept focused on work and I wrote the email well. And, it didn't deter my positive attitude! This is something that is key to my success.

So, my first fill is tomorrow...very excited but also a bit nervous to be honest...i think it will be a little kick in my butt..not in terms of eating healthy foods but in terms practicing the proper eating habits...I haven't been great about the not drinking with meals, eating slowly (though this weekend my friend could not believe how slow I ate), and avoiding certain dry foods...after my fill (which inserts fluids into my band and makes it more restrictive), i will be on liquids for two days and mushies for two days...so, back to the old ways!! but, I can do it..

so, my goal for tomorrow is to get up at 6 am and go to the gym before work..this will be a huge victory..not only going to the gym but also at that time...I'm going to do it though!!!

hope everyone had a good night...am very thankful for my family and friends tonight..especially my parents...