Vegas!

Have been out of touch and have tons to share...want to give a full Vegas post with some NSVs (though still insecurities), do a 1yr bandiversary post, talk about my 1yr appt with Dr. Kurian, my new Keratin treatment, upcoming move, Easter with family and Gma's 89th bday! wooo..too much to do and too lil time..

A quick Vegas post...it was a blast...I shopped (or ordered online that is) until I dropped trying to find the right outfits..made it work and overall felt great. It was definitely the first girl's trip in near memory where I felt somewhat comfortable..I didn't feel like I stuck out as the fat girl amongst all my beautiful and svelte girlfriends (though they have never made me feel like that, I always did inside)...I still definitely had some insecurities all dressed out on the town but I am generally so much more confident and when I feel a pinch of self doubt, I remind myself how I used to feel!

My friends were so wonderful and complimentary of how I looked..told me so many times which was a nice lil boost...I have to be honest that I did feel a lot of guilt at times as none of my GFs on the trip know...MJ who knows is in this group but couldn't make it...I especially feel guilty about AW and AC...I have shared so much with these girls and very delicate, deep things and I feel like I am being dishonest..I have to remind myself I am not...I wish I could explain why I don't say anything, but I don't...argh..I fight the guilt..

Ok, a few NSVs:

*I got on the plane and I was sitting down, I was chatting with the stewardess..I started buckling my seat belt and realized there was an extender on it (which I was SO close to needing/getting plenty of times). I realized it was on there, and she goes "oh i'll take that.."..what a great feeling to see that but know I didn't need it.
*I cross my legs like crazy now...under tables too..woah!
*I didn't feel like a total blimp at the pool..I was comfortable enough to walk to get water without putting on a coverup..unheard of! And, I had the cutest tunic cover up..while it was short, I was comfortable enough to walk in it to the drugstore...it was so Lilly esque (found a great new online/catalog place called Boden..check it out!)
*I was talking about my dress and I said the size out loud (e.g. it is a 14 but I really needed a 16)..Never would I have ever said that before

I still battle the demons of insecurity, guilt, etc. but overall a wonderful trip, such wonderful friends and a great getaway!

Horrible week but off to Vegas

I have been virtually absent as the past two weeks have been les mis at work. I have been so swamped, dealing with horrible attitudes with some of the more junior people on my team and just felt very overwhelmed. Not to mention, the past two months have been very difficult for me during my time of the month. I have really struggled with hormonal shifts and it in some ways has been debilitating in many ways...not sleeping, very emotional, agitated, etc. It is beyond just monthly pms so I am going to have to check it out given it has really impacted me.

Anyways, in band world, I have not been eating well..I have not gained weight and am doing ok on the scale, but I have not been eating nutritiously. I find myself getting stuck way too much or substituting a nutritious meal for a cookie...I have found I have a cookie addiction, which i need to work on. these incidents only get worse when I am not sleeping and at work for 16 hour days. enough of the negative though...because I am off to VEGAS!!

It is my biannual college girlfriend's weekend and we are going to Vegas! I am actually on the plane right now en route. I cannot wait to get away for a few days, relax, see my wonderful friends, gab, etc. I can honestly say that I feel so great about where I am weight wise vs. our last girls' trip in September, but can't say I am where I wanted /hoped to be..but, I will definitely march on and have a great time! I still battle feelings of insecurity and uncomfort when out and about all dressed up and still feeling fat, but I have to remember that I have come a long way, am no longer obese (just overweight) and will continue to lose. Bathing suit is stlll not a good feeling but I have to remember how much better I look from a year ago! and, i have cute cover ups!! In terms of clothes, I have brought a ton with me but no clue what I will wear! i have done so much shopping (online and in person) wanting to find fun dresses to wear, but I am a bit between sizes..16s fit, though some are big..most 14s are just a bit too tight and need about 5 or so pounds more...definitely a great place to be but tough when I want to find the perfect dress..It will be a great feeling when I get solidly into a 14, which is my new goal..

I have definitely been reading sporadically this week when I can but need to get caught up and comment. I won't be reading/posting this weekend as my friend MJ is the only one who knows in this group and she is unable to make it unfortunately (but is there in spirit!!). I'm a bit nervous about getting stuck or having issues this weekend but I am really going to try to focus and go slow and make good choices! having to shut down now, but will post once I'm back!

hope everyone is doing well...

Despite the tempting aroma, pizza doesn't taste as good as losing weight feels

I am trying to resist pizza on the trading floor, let alone 2 desks away. After my super motivating post, my monthly friend started, and while I maintain motivation and ate pretty healthy yday, I did give into my cravings for cookies... Def not ideal but I otherwise was good. I think I still might have something sweet today as all I can think about is cake, cookies, etc buy I will not eat the pizza to balance it out.... It is amazing how hard it is to fight the temptation of eating pizza when surrounded by almost 350 people eating pizza and plenty to spare.... I will fight through though....


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:My desk with a pizza box 2 desks away

Feeling motivated...and climbing the hill

I have been through ups and downs of motivation over the last three weeks. After a horrible week, I am back up in terms of motivation. My one year mark is the 22nd and I want to lose into the homestretch...I'm rounding 3rd, on the 5 yard line and want to score. I have been re-reading a few of the blogs that inspired me and to be honest comforted me when I first decided to do this...I am reading around their one year anniversary and how well they did and I want to finish strong. I don't think that I will meet the lofty goals that I set a few months ago, but I will finish and do the best I can. In one of the blogs, someone (can't remember who) wrote that it is better to set lofty goals even if you don't meet them than to not set goals at all.

As I think back over my life, weight has played such a huge role in it as I have been overweight since first grade..I had losses here and there but never got out of the overweight phase...I never let my weight stop me from anything and in many ways excelled in a lot of things I did because I think in some ways I overcompensated for being deficient in my weight. I was (am) blessed with wonderful friends who didn't care what size I was and still thought I was great. I was a Cheerleader..I got in the sorority I wanted in College and one of the best on campus..I got a very competitive and highly coveted job out of college. I don't list these as a way to pat myself on the back or look for congratulations, but more to realize that while I have done these great things, I very rarely recognized them or my successes because being overweight and unhappy about it (for literally almost 20 years) overshadowed things. I always put my best foot forward, was outgoing, smiley and positive and truly enjoyed most aspects of life but it was my hidden demon and battle that literally weighed me down. How exhausting it was for me to fight this emotional weight and still come out the cheery and optimistic person. I think for the most part I was never fake in the sense that I really was happy and optimistic...but, to think that I was able to feel this way while still having this weight (figuratively and literally) on me. I have often described times in my life, my weight being the biggest, as an uphill battle...

This past year has too been an uphill battle, but it is one where I feel like the wind is behind me, pushing me forward and with each positive step I take in putting myself first, taking care of my health, etc. the hill is getting flatter and flatter. I know that life will never be easy and I have dealt with much bigger things beyond my weight, but this is the one that has personally plagued me and kept me from fully matching the person within me with the outside. I still have a long way to go, but I pray that I can continue up the hill and see the top in the future. ..

Just a little realization of how transformational this year has been...I am freeing myself from the biggest personal challenge, weakness, failure (for me, I have felt like a failure for being overweight..whether right or wrong)..it is so much more than being able to wear designer jeans for me..it is life changing..

Past week was all flames, but putting out the fire today!

So my last post was just a preamble to a bad eating week vs. a start of the end...this week was ridiculous...I was on jury duty for two days and then was traveling for two days...i ate cookies and chocolate almost every day and I did not make healthy choices with food (e.g. fries with my sandwich). I also did no exercise, which is just not going to work, especially with my race coming up. Ended Friday with a Cookie cake for a going away (third cookie cake at work in 2 weeks!). Friday was rough all around because I did not think about what I was eating or the speed, and I pb'd 3 times!!!! unacceptable. first time was at my co worker's going away lunch, where i had to literally bee line to the bathroom, then after the cookie cake back at work and then at dinner that night...whoa!! Not acceptable! there are weeks where I have no issues and then a day where I throw up 3 times! Over the past 2 weeks I think i got a false sense of comfort combined with exhaustion and frustration with a few things that sent me in a tail spin...the scale has definitely moved back up 3 or 4 pounds, which is not going to work...i know some might be water weight, but the other 2 are definitely cookies...

I woke up today though and wanted to fix things...I wanted to get back on track and i have had a great day. Had Starbucks for bfast and then about an hour later a petite vanilla scone (i love those from sbux..not the "BEST" choice but was away from the house and it is controllable with 140 calories). I had coffee while hanging out with my friend niki (who knows about the band) at her apartment and we had the best time gabbing away. Mid coffee, I all of a sudden (forewarn gross info ahead), I had to run to the bathroom and I threw up all these lil food particles..I guess it is stuff that has been sitting at the top of the band not going through? it has happened before with coffee and I'm thinking it was leftover from the crappy day yday. not the best way to start my good day, but am moving on. After Niki's went to Pilates and had a good session, and then I used a gift certificate I had for a facial at La Prarie at the Ritz. it was very enjoyable and relaxing..I love spas and spa bathrooms...the towels, robes, lotions, etc. Plus, they gave champagne today!! After that, went to Bloomingdales to pick up a baby gift for a co worker given it is Friends and Family (20% off!!). While there I decided to peruse some of the clothes...

for those who need motivation, hit the stores!!!! as I was going through, I saw so many things that I really liked (and I no longer even look at plus size!). I still have to be very selective in terms of sizes and styles that I think might work, but it does not stop me from drooling at things that I can't wait to wear one day. It was an additional kick in the butt that I am not where I want to be and i cannot self sabotage. I ended up trying a few things on, knowing that I might need to lose a bit more weight before wearing and as I look for clothes for my vegas trip in two weeks. Well, found 4 great dresses, including dresses from designers that I used to day dream about wearing and never thought possible!! well it is now (not all the way, but for select!!) While two of the dresses need another 10 pounds and one has to be lengthened (bc my legs were not meant for short dresses), it got me excited and motivated.....not just for the clothes, but for me....and I could not pass up an extra 20% off.

also talked to one of my BFFs, MJ, today who knows about this also. She has been such a cheerleader and told me how proud she was of me and it meant a lot. she said most of all what made her happy was that she could hear in my voice i was back to my old self and had a much more positive outlook...losing weight definitely does not make one's life happy but with each pound I have lost I have lost some of the depression, anxiety, fears, etc. that had dampened my spirit...I like feeling like myself again and look forward to continuing my journey to be the best me...

BTW, I found a new apartment!!! (or my lil brother did, who flew in from chicago, took two days off of work to walk the streets of NYC to find me a new home..he is the best!). I'm soo pumped bc right now I live in a fourth floor walk up, so small (maybe 450 square feet), no real living room and only one closet...it is falling apart. My new apartment has a doorman, elevator, a real kitchen, 2 closets!! ahh!! I'm staying in my same neighborhood which I love so I'm pumped..Moving in about a month so will keep everyone updated. my toosh will miss the workout of the four flights but I sure won't when I am lugging suitcases up!!

I have been reading but not really commenting much this week, so look forward to catching up on all the blogs this weekend.

This week is in flames

Need some accountability....how do I go so quickly from being so motivated, pushing forward, eating well and working out to being lazy and eating so much crap?? It has not helped that I have had two root canals in 2 weeks and can't chew a lot, but that does not mean I need to drink milkshakes!!! Oh yes, milkshakes. I have had 4 this week i think...I need to focus ad get back on it stat....stat



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Work

NYC Brunch - Interest in Sisterhood Clothes?

I have a lot of clothes that I need to pass onto the sisterhood..a range of sizes and things, but most are in the 16-18w size range, many pairs of black pants, a few sweaters, jeans, light cardigans, a few casual dresses, etc. I am so behind in trying to take pics/post about it, but I want to pass them on. ...Now, I am not a good mailer..I'm not..but, I'm determined to become one. Until I get a chance to post and then mail everything though, i thought I would see if any of the women attending brunch might have interest in some of these and/or be in that size range I mentioned (you could give me a rough idea of sizes and would want casual or work clothes, tops vs. pants, etc. and I could make a judgement call). I could bring a few things I think might work and if you don't like them, I can bring them back with me. I know a lot of the people coming are way too small for a lot of the things I have but I don't know everyone who is coming...Regardless of this brunch, I WILL get my act together and get things posted and ready to mail asap...